When would you rather receive your flowers, while alive or dead?I know that is an unnerving statement but it needs to be said. Turn on the TV or internet and there will be some story related to Domestic Violence. It seems to be the one thing that is hard to escape, and yet we can change it. We CANNOT change the abuser but we CAN change ourselves. This piece will seem a little harsh, but, it is said with much love. It goes out to men and women alike, considering the way that a good many women are becoming just as violent as their male counterparts.STOP TRYING TO JUSTIFY ABUSE!!! I say this a thousand times. LOVE does not HURT! It does not hit. It does not stalk. It does not obsess. It does not burn clothes. None of those things are love, so why do we continuously say so when we try to defend our attacker?
Ask yourself why? Why do you stay? Don’t judge yourself and don’t think about how others may judge you. Just think of why you choose to stay. Is it really out of fear? Are you afraid of being alone? Are you afraid to not have love? Are you perhaps blinded by the fear of failure that you, think staying will somehow make the situation different? None of these things make you a bad person. It really doesn’t but here is the deal. We are told all the time to just pray about a situation and it will change. But just like with the flowers, when do you want to receive your prayer answers, alive or dead?Continue to pray for the person that has harmed you but get OUT if you can.
STOP saying he/she loves me! Who are you really trying to convince? yourself or everyone else?An abuser may care about you but that doesn’t equal to love. Love doesn’t give you a black eye. If he loves you why does he isolate you… berate you…. beat you? Is that love, because if it is, then why do so many prisoners of war not see it as such? Stockholm’s Syndrome (a victim’s emotional “bonding” with their abuser) can trick a lot of people into thinking that this horrendous treatment is love. This way of thinking is why so many of us go back.
STOP being afraid to be alone!If you are in an abusive relationship, isolated and afraid to trust then guess what? You are alone already. Now try being alone without having to walk on eggshells. Stop listening to lies. I listened to a friend talk about her abuser. She spoke about him with such love and affection that my heart went out to her. He talked to her about trust and that if he took her back he would need access to everything. He described how she would not be able to have friends and how she would basically be under his control. None of those things stood out to her as she was relaying his words. She chose to forget the black eyes. She only heard him talking about love. She desperately wants to be loved and he played on all of her feelings. Is that love? Sometimes Love really means loving the person in your mirror enough to be with them for a while.Get comfortable being alone. It doesn’t mean you will stay that way. Being alone is not a death sentence especially if you love the company you keep.
Love you enough to understand that you can not change anyone only you. Don’t be a victim of you. Staying or going back to an abusive relationship does not make you a martyr it makes you hurt.Love can be bittersweet but it is never physically or mentally painful. Stop confusing obsession and control with love. Stop allowing your own insecurities keep you in bondage. Just as victims with Stockholm’s can be treated and helped, so can you. You are never alone. Not really. There are those of us like myself that will always be there for you. Get help where you can. Make sure I can give your flowers to you while you can still smell them.
Are you ‘the path of least resistance’?Often I talk to men about how they see women and themselves. The subject came up about the way some men treat the women that they meet. Some of us ladies assume that we have to be a certain type of woman or we go out of our way to catch the attention of a man. We will basically walk around darn near naked, if that will get the attention of the man we want. Some of us will become an alter ego, where we are basically only mimicking the woman that we assume he wants, and hiding our true selves. All of this we do but the shocking thing is, according to a good many men, this does not endear us to him. Sure you caught his attention. Now what? Beauty fades. Booties sag… Bodies even though they can be altered still get old. Some men honestly want more than just a pretty face and a nice body. Sure it is nice but at the end of the day, they have their pick of different available bodies willing to be used.
I look at myself and at the pictures I take. The way I choose to dress… I look at the people I associate myself with. Why do I do it? Why do I dress the way that I do? Why am I so concerned about my appearance? Why do I care what men think of me? I know a lot of people will look at this article and assume I am going to start bashing women. I am not going to do that. Instead I am simply asking you to look at who you are and who you want to be. The question above “Are you the path of least resistance?” is meant to make you think. When I talked to my friend and a few dozen other men I asked the question, “Do men already have a set idea about the woman they want to be with?” The majority of them admitted that they do. Not surprising however, the woman they want is NOT the one twerking in the video. She is the toy for most.
When asked to look at two different pictures of women, one of them with a woman dressed very provocative and the other with a one dressed demurely, most of the men stated that if they were just looking to have sex they would move based on appearance to the ‘path of least resistance’. In other words the woman dressed in the sexy attire seems to be the easier option. Some men assume that a woman dressed very conservatively will take more work. But if a woman is parading around and looking as if she is ‘on the prowl’, all he has to do is spit minimal game and she will fall for it. It’s not to say that she is not to be respected but that she may give the impression that she does not respect herself. We see this type of behavior all the time on social media. Women will take booty pics, grown and sexy challenges, post wild statements or even refer to sex constantly in order to get noticed. We do it even though this is the wrong type of attention. We do it, in spite of the way that some men immediately after seeing those pics or talking to us, start looking at us as nothing more than a wet hole. Sorry to be vulgar but its true.
No one is saying to play hard to get. No one is saying start walking around with dresses down to our knees…. No… What I am saying is give him a chance to earn the right to see the sexiest side of you. Stop putting yourself out there with a target on your back. Especially if you are trying to build a relationship. You don’t have to be a sex star all of the time. This does not make you a better woman. It makes you easier prey. Put your boobs and booty away. Stand up straight and face forward.If you want to twerk for your man do it at home and not online and do it for his eyes only. Sex and sexy behavior should be a fun past time and NOT a coat of armor. You are too precious as an individual to keep allowing yourself to be nothing more than the easiest move on a chess board.
Excuses…. someone brought up the subject about women making excuses for each other and it made me think. Sometimes the excuses are good, sometimes bad. The point is they are there, and they can either help or harm us. I went to bed, and woke up with that thought on my mind. Do we (women) make excuses? Are we the one’s freely giving away the power of self? Are we so blind to the plights of others that the biggest excuse we give ourselves is that the other woman is somehow different or she asked for it? She allowed herself to be disrespected therefore it is not my problem and that makes it funny. I asked women how they felt about being called b****es. For me the answer was outrage as it was for a few others. For some however, the answer was “Depends on how it’s being used. ” In other words they argued that the use of this term can actually mean something good. If a woman is called a bad b***h then that means she is about her business. Well why not simply say that she is good at what she does? Why use a derogatory word and try to make it less derogatory by turning it into a compliment?
A video was shared on FB by a male friend of mine, that he and other men, found hilarious. I was curious,so I watched it. It talked about how side chicks should ‘stay in their lane’. As I watched, I was not amused. I grew more furious by the moment. I sat there and I replayed it, just to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Then I started reading the comments. “That’s how some women are”. “That’s what women like that get”. These were comments from women. Some of us actually found it funny. When asked about that, a few tried to justify their humor, by saying that if a woman was stupid enough to allow a man to treat her as such, then she gets what she gets. It’s funny now. This same logic …. these same words follow women everywhere. Even in the world of domestic abuse, a lot of women will stand by and watch a friend, stranger or even relative being battered and simply say “She stupid for putting up with that. If it was me I would….” Well here’s a newsflash ladies….. every time you do that you are justifying why you made a conscious choice to judge and not act. You made an EXCUSE!
Have you ever wanted to do something but never had the courage to do it? What if you had something to say? … Something so strong it permeated your mind and thoughts, yet to do what yu wanted and feared might mean that you could set yourself up for disappointment? Your voice is a powerful tool. Use it or lose it. You deserve to be heard, even if no one agrees with you. You still reserve the right to speak. I have always felt this way. I always felt I had a voice and I felt compelled to use it. I may not be perfect or right but at least I believed in something enough to press on. I believed in me. Two years ago I started writing a book on the evolution of women. Basically it is not a true scientific study because I am not a science but it is a people study.
I started thinking of my journey to being me and remembered how hard the search for my true selfreally was. It made me want to share it. I started talking to different women around me and even my untrained eyes began to see trends in the way that we all saw life and ourselves. I started branching out and talking to more and more women until I was sure of what I saw. Then I began to talk with men. The differences in the way that men saw women and the way we saw ourselves was astounding and disheartening. I was devastated at first because a lot of the questions I asked and the attitudes I discussed I had been guilty of myself. I wasn’t immune to the answers. I was hearing first hand, how I as a woman was being perceived.
So my journey as a novelist began in earnest. I interviewed hundreds of men and women alike. With permission I quoted a lot of the conversations and answers to the questions and even as a written word the emotion behind each statement can still be felt. I came up with the idea of holding myself accountable. I hope that more people will learn to do the same. I realized it was not a matter of how men saw me but how I saw me. It wasn’t how women saw me but how I saw me. I am accountable to the choices I make good or bad. I am not perfect and I may fall on my rump at times but I pick up me. I am Powerful.Like you my voice is like the roar of a mighty lion. I was not silenced and neither should you be. Use your voice or lose it. There is a true self inside of us all. We need to find and embrace him/her.
For those of you interested in purchasing my book it is available now: The book for those who don’t know is about the changes in women over the course of the past 50 years. Some of the content was taken from you guys and is kind of hard to read at times. If you are searching for your true Identity and seek to find acceptance of the true you please read and share. Thank you all for your support. https://www.createspace.com/4578538
Don’t wait until tomorrow to live. You never know which day might be your last. You never know which moment might be the final opportunity to tell loved ones how you feel. Today might be the last time you see the sun rising or setting. It’s a scary thought because we can’t see death coming. We don’t know what day, time or manner that we may be called home. We don’t know who all will mourn us. We don’t know anything. The one constant and sure thing is that we all will eventually pass from the earth. How you choose to live is your choice and is within your control. I was reading a news report about a woman who posted on Facebook her final words to her children and it touched me in so many ways. It’s truly horrible to know that this lovely woman is no longer with her family. She died at the hands of her abuser. Such a horrible death that by all accounts should not have happened. She should be home raising her son and daughter. She should be growing old and waiting on grandchildren. But because of one disturbed individual she is gone.
What is so upsetting to me about this tragedy was the fact that although her death is a matter of media attention,in the U.S. an estimated 3 woman a day are murdered by their spouses or ex lovers.Normally not one to believe the extremes of statistics this was one I had no trouble believing. As a society we have become desensitized to violence against each other. We assume that things really are not as bad as the statistics and number tell us. We think that we are invincible or that we are all guaranteed another chance to get things right. We assume we have the chance to break out against the cycle of abuse without making any changes to do so.
We talked about looking to the past and trying to resolve the issues of our childhood. By doing this maybe we can find the cycle of abuseand destroy it before it starts to affect us. We know from experience and extreme study that cycles create more cycles. In other words an abused child is more inclined to be an abusive adult. Maybe that was the case with the man who did the horrible deed to the woman in the story above. If so what could have been done to change it? I don’t know and I am not a doctor so I can not step into his mind and find out why he did what he did with a clinical eye but I can’t help but be curious. I am curious because he is just one man but he is one of many.
Almost daily I am getting messages from different women in various abusive relationships and the numbers sometimes scare me. I have friends and relatives that go through the pain in silence because they feel ashamed to speak out. They are afraid of being judged. They may want to escape or they may even seek help from the police but they just can’t seem to get very far. Years ago I was in their shoes. I was that woman and I hated my life. I had my children to think of and it terrified me being on my own. I remember very clearly sitting in the courtroom and the lawyer telling me that I had no choice but to seek a restraining order. “If you back out now Mrs. Thomas I am not sure if the court will be so quick to help you in the future.” I was terrified of being alone but I was more terrified of what walking away meant. Some of you may have felt the same. Some of you may not know how to escape. I was able to break free and although it was NOT an easy road I was the VICTOR. Below are a few tips for those of you still going through. You are stronger than you know. Don’t wait until tomorrow to make a decision to save your life.You are really worth more than being a statistic. You are a true champion for yourself. Live like one. Sometimes fighting back can be as simple as standing up for yourself and removing yourself from a bad situation before it it gets as bad as you think.
NEVER FEEL ASHAMED…. You are a survivor. A woman who has been abused has nothing to be ashamed of. If you stay in a relationship longer than most would like to assume we would leave in a heartbeat, then guess what maybe it wasn’t the time for you to do so. Your life is personal and YOU have to be the one to decide that ENOUGH is ENOUGH. Not me and no one else. Until you make the decision to leave then nothing I can say or do will make you stay away. Just don’t wait too long. You are not guaranteed tomorrow.
IT’S NOT THAT BAD….this phrase is a deadly lie. to continuously minimize the effects of abuse on yourself, your family and kids is only blinding you. My ex told me “If I beat you as bad as you say I did, you would be in the hospital.” That was his way of saying the things he did were not as bad as all that. And to some it wasn’t but to ME it was bad enough. I didn’t want to wait until it was even bad by their standards. I didn’t want to wait until it was as bad as all that.
ABUSERS RARELY CHANGE…. Sure he/she may apologize and promise to change and never hurt you again. Some of them may really mean well but without counseling and help the chances are very slim. Some may have been abused as children and are repeating a cycle. Some may have simply witnessed abuse. (Think about that if you have children) Some may simply have other issues that cause them to be the way they are. Either way they have to want to find the source of their problem in order to heal themselves.
DON’T WAIT!…. If you are being abused, get away as soon as you can. Start by packing a bag with copies of all important documents on you and your children. Include photos of yourselves including your abuser. Squirrel away as much money as you can if possible. If you don’t have access then ‘No worries’ you can still get away. Keep this number among your things or in your phone 1-877-988-5559 it is national hotline for domestic violence. One of Thousands. Change the name and put it in code name like ‘Dominic Violin’ only you know who it really is. Let friends as family know as much as possible but in extreme cases keep your plans a secret even from them. Sneak away to the store or on an errand with the kids or while they are away from the house and contact a local shelter for pick up. Take you and the kids to a safe place and be free.
Tomorrow is not promised to you. Don’t be a statistic. Its OK and normal to be afraid of the future but be more afraid of what might happen if you remain where you are. You are not alone. There are millions of VICTORS just like you and me out there and we can do this together. Don’t post on Facebook or any social media your last words. Your life is to precious for a like. You hold the power to change your situation. I will not lie and say it will be an easy road. It will be hard but it will be worth it.
R.E.S.P.E.C.T … Respecting the person in the mirror so that others can too…. You are becoming conscious of the ‘true you‘ but who are you and do you have any respect for the person that you have become? Are you worthy of that respect? Why? You are a strong person and you have made several strides to get to this point. You have looked at yourself unclouded. That alone deserves a measure of respect. The fear of looking to self and coming up lacking is daunting to some and terrifying to others. As a woman or man each day that you interact with others you demand a certain level of respect from the people around you. That level of respect varies from person to person. Some respect is earned and most is implied. We assume that people will and should respect us for various reasons. In religion we are taught to respect our elders and to honor and respect our bodies, our temples, wives and husbands. What it does not teach us is that not everyone has to respect you to a certain point and honestly not very many will especially if you have given them nothing to respect in the first place.
Respect yourself first before demanding it from others.Ladies, this message is especially for you. When it comes to men, dating and relationships one of the first things compromised is self respect for a lot of us. In the name of love we will limit the importance of self. We sometimes allow ourselves to be treated as a yes woman, a pushover, or even a floor mat. We do all of this in the effort to keep the man that we have and we assume that he will love and respect us for it. The truth is he won’t. How can he respect you when you don’t respect yourself enough to stand up for you. If you are not your own champion why would you assume that a man would want to . Some of us assume because he doesn’t love us that we are worthless. We feel that because he doesn’t want us anymore that he is right… that his judgement and opinion of us is correct.After all his word is law right? Stop attaching yourself to someone in an attempt to be loved. To be part of something. Don’t let your desire for acceptance blind you to you.He is important but then again so are you. Between the two of them if value is to be assigned then let it the one person that will never leave You.
Understand that every choice you make in how you live your life determines how you see yourself. Learn to recognize when you are being disrespected and when you are disrespecting yourself. It seems that almost every quote or meme in the media refers to women as ‘B***h. The ridiculous part is that women will look at that term as a positive if the word Bad is put in front of it. Do you see men referring to themselves as the dipstick or something foul? No then why do women do it? Why do we wear clothing that is uncomfortable and prance around like lambs to the slaughter in the face of men? Why do we treat each other bad and not lift each other up? Why do we choose to not fight? Stop making excuses for not being accountable for you. It doesn’t matter what the media or that man may say or call you unless you decide to answer to it. Those words hold no power. Stop making excuses for being afraid to demand respect.
Fight for you and how you want to be treated. Stop being negatively labeled and accepting it because its easier than making a stink. Remind yourself that you are NOT a female dog. and certainly not a bad one. You are NOT loose change. You’re name is NOT ‘Shawty’ or ‘Ma’. You are not a piece of candy to be gawked at. You are NOT a without standards. Stop looking to an outside person to determine the level of respect you deserve. Project the person that You can honestly respect. Be her. The real her and not the glamorize copy of a diva. Be the woman who inspires respect and the man that is meant for you will find you. He will respect you because you respect yourself as well as him. He will see you for the strong woman you are and not the bad b***h from the radio or TV.