Are you ‘the path of least resistance’?Often I talk to men about how they see women and themselves. The subject came up about the way some men treat the women that they meet. Some of us ladies assume that we have to be a certain type of woman or we go out of our way to catch the attention of a man. We will basically walk around darn near naked, if that will get the attention of the man we want. Some of us will become an alter ego, where we are basically only mimicking the woman that we assume he wants, and hiding our true selves. All of this we do but the shocking thing is, according to a good many men, this does not endear us to him. Sure you caught his attention. Now what? Beauty fades. Booties sag… Bodies even though they can be altered still get old. Some men honestly want more than just a pretty face and a nice body. Sure it is nice but at the end of the day, they have their pick of different available bodies willing to be used.
I look at myself and at the pictures I take. The way I choose to dress… I look at the people I associate myself with. Why do I do it? Why do I dress the way that I do? Why am I so concerned about my appearance? Why do I care what men think of me? I know a lot of people will look at this article and assume I am going to start bashing women. I am not going to do that. Instead I am simply asking you to look at who you are and who you want to be. The question above “Are you the path of least resistance?” is meant to make you think. When I talked to my friend and a few dozen other men I asked the question, “Do men already have a set idea about the woman they want to be with?” The majority of them admitted that they do. Not surprising however, the woman they want is NOT the one twerking in the video. She is the toy for most.
When asked to look at two different pictures of women, one of them with a woman dressed very provocative and the other with a one dressed demurely, most of the men stated that if they were just looking to have sex they would move based on appearance to the ‘path of least resistance’. In other words the woman dressed in the sexy attire seems to be the easier option. Some men assume that a woman dressed very conservatively will take more work. But if a woman is parading around and looking as if she is ‘on the prowl’, all he has to do is spit minimal game and she will fall for it. It’s not to say that she is not to be respected but that she may give the impression that she does not respect herself. We see this type of behavior all the time on social media. Women will take booty pics, grown and sexy challenges, post wild statements or even refer to sex constantly in order to get noticed. We do it even though this is the wrong type of attention. We do it, in spite of the way that some men immediately after seeing those pics or talking to us, start looking at us as nothing more than a wet hole. Sorry to be vulgar but its true.
No one is saying to play hard to get. No one is saying start walking around with dresses down to our knees…. No… What I am saying is give him a chance to earn the right to see the sexiest side of you. Stop putting yourself out there with a target on your back. Especially if you are trying to build a relationship. You don’t have to be a sex star all of the time. This does not make you a better woman. It makes you easier prey. Put your boobs and booty away. Stand up straight and face forward.If you want to twerk for your man do it at home and not online and do it for his eyes only. Sex and sexy behavior should be a fun past time and NOT a coat of armor. You are too precious as an individual to keep allowing yourself to be nothing more than the easiest move on a chess board.
Excuses…. someone brought up the subject about women making excuses for each other and it made me think. Sometimes the excuses are good, sometimes bad. The point is they are there, and they can either help or harm us. I went to bed, and woke up with that thought on my mind. Do we (women) make excuses? Are we the one’s freely giving away the power of self? Are we so blind to the plights of others that the biggest excuse we give ourselves is that the other woman is somehow different or she asked for it? She allowed herself to be disrespected therefore it is not my problem and that makes it funny. I asked women how they felt about being called b****es. For me the answer was outrage as it was for a few others. For some however, the answer was “Depends on how it’s being used. ” In other words they argued that the use of this term can actually mean something good. If a woman is called a bad b***h then that means she is about her business. Well why not simply say that she is good at what she does? Why use a derogatory word and try to make it less derogatory by turning it into a compliment?
A video was shared on FB by a male friend of mine, that he and other men, found hilarious. I was curious,so I watched it. It talked about how side chicks should ‘stay in their lane’. As I watched, I was not amused. I grew more furious by the moment. I sat there and I replayed it, just to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Then I started reading the comments. “That’s how some women are”. “That’s what women like that get”. These were comments from women. Some of us actually found it funny. When asked about that, a few tried to justify their humor, by saying that if a woman was stupid enough to allow a man to treat her as such, then she gets what she gets. It’s funny now. This same logic …. these same words follow women everywhere. Even in the world of domestic abuse, a lot of women will stand by and watch a friend, stranger or even relative being battered and simply say “She stupid for putting up with that. If it was me I would….” Well here’s a newsflash ladies….. every time you do that you are justifying why you made a conscious choice to judge and not act. You made an EXCUSE!
Why is it that in spite of the public outcry from each and every one of us about the need for fidelity, we still glorify scandal and drama?We can’t wait to tune in and watch the next ridiculous show or soap opera disguised as reality TV. The traditional relationshipdynamics have changed so drastically over time that now even the spot associated with being tabooand wrong has been modified to where it is acceptable to some of us. The role of Mistress. The ‘ Side Piece’….. A few short years ago this woman was hidden and not flaunted. Women despised the role because it meant they were of lesser value. The disturbing reality of today is that more women have become comfortable with being hidden. They take pride in being called a ‘side piece‘. My question to that is why be a side piece if you can be wife or girlfriend to someone else all your own? Is is a lack of self respect? Is it a poor self image? Is it that the woman has been lied to by this unavailable man? Is it that she simply has a need to be loved and genuinely cares about this man enough to hold onto him any way she can? I am not a relationship guru nor am I am doctor. I am simply a woman, which means I can not judge. I am not going to condemn anyone who chooses to engage in this life. I am only trying to point out some reasons why some of us choose to.
Women and men are confused with how they choose to define the roles in their relationships. Some of us try hard to be the perfect mate to the point where we disappear and become appendages to the person we love. Then there are those of us that chose to be in a relationship for the wrong reason or without true emotion and respect. We seek to be equals and yet we can not for the life of us understand why? Today there are several people jumping in and out of marriages and love as if it were a game of double dutch. Should we be upset with them because they seem fickle or should we continue to focus on the person in the mirror? Looking at ourselves plainly hopefully we can all learn to value ourselves enough to recognize we are worth so much more than even we believe. A few reasons some of us become or identify with the role of side piece are:
Fantasized relationships in our own minds… I know how easy it is to fall into this trap since I have been there on many occasions. We see someone we like and immediately see start thinking what if. We imagine that this person is so great that no matter what, if we hold on long enough they will soon be ours…..Not true for a lot of us. Often times we are not really in love with the person we are with only the idea of them. In other words if we have an affair with someone taken for instance we see the man or woman they are with their wives or husbands and assume that they would be the same or better with us. Recognizing the fantasy of our own fabrication will make your view so much clearer.
If he already has a Queen how can you make him your King?In any fairytale has there ever been an instance where the king falls in love with the servant girl and left his Queen to live happily ever after? No?….. If not why do we hope and pray that it happens? I understand that there may be circumstances going on in his life and marriage but that still doesn’t change the fact that he is married. For you and me the only thing that matters is the fact that this person is not mine. I can’t claim him in public. We can’t really be together unless we hide…. we can’t go to a movie without careful planning and whenever I am introduced to someone he knows I am simply his ‘friend’.
‘Friends with Benefits’really who came up with this mess. We can play together and do all the things a couple would do but we are NOT a couple. In my humble opinion this is simply a lazy relationship. You don’t want to work on being more so you have reduced things down to the base. But does that lessen the emotion of the people involved? Actually no. Especially for most women. We can claim that friends with benefits are cool for a while but eventually emotions will arise.
A deep desire to be loved….This is the biggest reason so many of us chose to be the hidden woman/ man in a person’s life. It is not that we don’t love ourselves or that we are desperate loners who can’t get a relationship. We may actually love ourselves very much. We might simply unconsciously be tired and worn down from looking for Mr/Mrs Right that we choose to settle for who we have now rather than keep going through the headache of continuously looking.
For whatever reason you or I choose what we each have to understand is that we are worth more than simply remaining hidden. Sure it may seem like a good time for the moment and it may seem like we are truly getting what we want but in reality we aren’t. The person we see in the mirror is an individual and even though it may take a while there is someone out there specifically for us.We are amazing. We just have to keep reminding ourselves of that. No fantasy that we can make up in our minds will change the person into the man/woman of our dreams. It is true that sometimes the grass really does look greener on the other side but we have no idea of how much manure the other person had to shovel to get it that way. Don’t settle for less than what we deserve and don’t be fooled by our traitorous emotions into assuming that love will make things change. Being a hidden woman is not a badge of honor.It is a disservice to yourself. You deserve to shine. Your King is out there but he has to see you shining in all of your glory before he will recognize the gem you are. He can’t do that if you are hiding behind yourself.
“It’s not that bad”This phrase is one of the most overused and dangerous ones in the English language. People say it all the time to placate themselves into thinking that things really aren’t as bad as they seem. What if the one time you tell yourself and believe it, you find out, too late, that it really was ‘ That Bad“? Too many times we have all become complacentwith our own little worlds that we have lost a measure of our empathyand in some cases our morality. We have lost our sense of outrage. We still might feel anger at seeing something wrong but most of us really don’t care enough to do anything… Some of us have even lost the sense of outrage for ourselves. It’s not that we are oblivious we simply have convinced ourselves that if things have not met a certain measure of extremeness then it is not as bad as we imagine it to be. That caustic phrase ‘Its not that bad’ can make an abuse victim stay; a woman or man to ignore themselves; or a person to believe that certain injustices like homophobia and racism do not exist. It can fool us into assuming there is an abundance of hope when hope is in limited supply. It can even make us partially blind to the plight of others. Its bad when we can turn on the TV or browse the web and the story of an abused or exploited child gets less press than the one about the dog being rescued from a shelter.
When was the last time you actually felt angered by something you saw or read? Not just a passing anger but infuriated? What about something that was done to you? Someone hurt you and feels they can get away with it, does that not make your blood boil? What about someone doing harm or something happening to another, does it make you angry enough to act or speak out? When was the last time you got angry period?… Did you speak out and tell off the other person or did you bottle your rage inside and fume? Did you try to do anything at all to change what made you angry or did you poster in front of others and pretended, what you could have done or would have said? Where is your real anger? If you are the person suppressing your anger to go with the flow then I beg you now to simply stop! You’re right, in a lot of cases it really is not as bad as you imagined it is much worse and if you don’t act it will continue to spiral.
‘It’s not that bad’ is a lie that we tell ourselves to make living the way we do easier to swallow. Life is not meant to be easy it was meant to be lived and learned. That means sometimes you will have to step outside of your comfort zone. In the case of abuse, it is never OK so telling yourself ‘its not that bad’ is the same as saying ‘I don’t matter’.No one deserves to be abused. No one deserves to be harmed. No one asked for it. Besides do you really want to get to the point where even you can no longer claim its not as bad as all that? You only have one life and you are in control of you. That means getting angry over the way that YOU are treated by another and by yourself. GET ANGRY! Find it! Feel it! Once you have felt the anger and righteous indignation, act on it. This is your life take charge.
Take charge of you and get angry with you.Stop making excuses. If you know your behavior is destructive and you can change it, why would you continue to keep putting your head in a blender? You deserve better than to live halfheartedly. Don’t assume getting angry with yourself means punishing you. It doesn’t. It simply means being accountableto you. No one can live your life for you. No one can change you. You have to change yourself.
Don’t hate the world or walk around on edge and full of anger but don’t be afraid to feel a healthy dose of anger.Don’t wait until society or our lives really are so horrible that we can not effectively claim indifference. Don’t negate something or assume that things are not as inadequate as we assume because it hasn’t affected our corner yet. Teach the next generation that it is OK to care about the plight of others. Teach empathy and strength. Teach hope. Teach them that the only time ‘its not that bad‘ should be used is to describe a casserole.