He Loves Me… Not Really But I DO!….

download (33)Have you ever tried listening to some of the old school radio stations and the multitudes of love songs that come on? If you weren’t in love when you turned on the music you are now…. The heart can play several tricks on the mind and have you pining for lost loves… The relationship you are in now suddenly becomes elevated to a full blown romance, even if no declarations of love have been made…. Some songs will have  us wishing for the man or woman of yesteryear that we know for a fact was the worst decision we ever made. We start imagining the ‘what ifs‘ and ‘maybes‘…. Second guessing our choices, to verify if maybe we acted too hastily or if we were right to walk away….   For some of us that are single these songs can be a little depressing, especially this time of year. Don’t let that loneliness set you back. Its OK to think on the past… To reminiscence… It is OK to simply wonder ‘what if?’. It is OK to smile… It is OK to be alone78787878888888878878A lot of us are terrified of being alone. We are afraid to not wake up next to someone. We are afraid to not have someone to take us out or to take out. We are ashamed to say we are single.  Don’t let your desire to be loved trap you in a relationship with someone that is toxic to you. Being alone is not the end of the world. Your best friend and partner for life is always with you. They see the real you, laugh at all of your jokes and adore your hair. That person is the woman/man staring back at you in the mirror each morning. You are not alone because you have you.

454545485748784Being in a relationship is tough, wonderful, good and bad  all at the same time. It is good when the person you are with is supportive and caring. When you both have mutual respect for the other person and are willing to give each other 100% of yourselves without compromising or losing yourself in them. It is not good when you can no longer see yourself period. Even though you may have been with this person for years and may genuinely love them, that does not mean they make you happy nor does it mean they are meant to be in your future. A man or woman that is ‘toxic’ to you is not going to necessarily have a hazard symbol tattooed on their forehead. The things that make them bad for you are personal but can be universal. Ask yourself honestly “Am I really happy?”; “Do I have a voice?”; “Does my relationship define me?”; “Am I my own or am I simply someone’s wife/girlfriend?”. Your answers to any of these questions should sit well with you as an individual.

Honestly look at the person that holds your heart and decide whether or not they are truly worthy of you. We all have a tendency to compromise in relationships but know that compromise can sometimes seem like slavery if you don’t know when to cut the strings. Stop making excuses and hold him/her accountable to you and your feelings as well as their own. Don’t just listen to the words ‘I love you’ expect the sentiment to be shown and reciprocated. If someone loves you they will want the best for you. They will want to see you grow and succeed. They will show you respect as an individual. They will be your mate and not your master. hurt-sad-alone-womanYour spouse is your friend but he/she does not have to be your only friend. You are both halves of a total unit. You should complete and compliment each other.Your world should not crumble only shudder if that person is no longer there. You are still alive even if your heart is broken.

2dQ1ISRListening to the sappy music should make you think but it should never make you feel sad and depressed. Being alone is not as bad as you think. I am in love with myself. I truly love me. I am never alone because I have me. I am not vain… I am simply accepting of myself. I am not perfect by any means and neither are you. In fact I don’t want to be. The fact that I am a single woman, nearing a certain age that has the number four in it, does not mean that I am bitter or lonely. I am actually quite happy with life. You should feel the same. Being in a relationship is not the cure all for a lack of self love. It doesn’t take away lonely if you are dependent upon him/her to solve the emptiness inside of you. It will only mask things until the moment after a breakup you really are alone…. You are not defined by your relationship. You are defined by how you see you.

Forget about the other person in your life right now and think solely of you. What are the things YOU LOVE ABOUT YOU? Look beyond the physical and into the spiritual and mental you. What do you love about you? What would you change? How would changing things help you to love you more? Begin to court yourself. Do the things that make you fall in love with yourself. You are amazingly complex. Wonderfully unique… Fabulous beyond words… What’s not to love about you? Find out the reasons why you are the first love of your life. Once you begin to value and care about the person in the mirror, even if the person you love doesn’t see how special you are it won’t change how you see yourself. You are still worthy of you. You are still astounding even if you are married, divorced, single, getting older, going grey, or thicker in certain areas. You are truly magnificent and perfectly imperfect and I accept you. You are not alone if you stare in a mirror you will see the best company there ever was.4545454545454545554545545

Side Piece NO, NO…..

NPWhy is it  that in spite of the public outcry from each and every one of us about the need for fidelity, we still glorify scandal and drama?We can’t wait to tune in and watch the next ridiculous show or soap opera disguised as reality TV. The traditional relationship dynamics have changed so drastically over time that now even the spot associated with being taboo and wrong has been modified to where it is acceptable to some of us. The role of Mistress. The ‘ Side Piece’…..  A few short years ago this woman was hidden and not flaunted. Women despised the role because it meant they were of lesser value. The disturbing reality of today is that more women have become comfortable with being hidden. They take pride in being called a ‘side piece‘. My question to that is why be a side piece if you can be wife or girlfriend to someone else all your own? Is is a lack of self respect? Is it a poor self image? Is it that the woman has been lied to by this unavailable man? Is it that she simply has a need to be loved and genuinely cares about this man enough to hold onto him any way  she can? I am not a relationship guru nor am I am doctor.  I am simply a woman, which means I can not judge.  I am not going to condemn anyone who chooses to engage in this life. I am only trying to point out some reasons why some of us choose to.IMG_3666223144519

download (18)Women and men are confused with how they choose to define the roles in their relationships.  Some of us try hard to be the perfect mate to the point where we disappear and become appendages to the person we love. Then there are those of us that chose to be in a relationship for the wrong reason or without true emotion and respect. We seek to be equals and yet we can not for the life of us understand why? Today there are several people jumping in and out of marriages and love as if it were a game of double dutch. Should we be upset with them because they seem fickle or should we continue to focus on the person in the mirror? Looking at ourselves plainly hopefully we can all learn to value ourselves enough to recognize we are worth so much more than even we believe. A few reasons some of us become or identify with the role of side piece are:

  • Fantasized relationships in our own minds… I know how easy it is to fall into this trap since I have been there on many occasions. We see someone we like and immediately see start thinking what if. We imagine that this person is so great that no matter what, if we hold on long enough they will soon be ours…..Not true for a lot of us. Often times we are not really in love with the person we are with only the idea of them. In other words if we have an affair with someone taken for instance we see the man or woman they are with their wives or husbands and assume that they would be the same or better with us. Recognizing the fantasy of our own fabrication will make your view so much clearer.
  • If he already has a Queen how can you make him your King? In any fairytale has there ever been an instance where the king falls in love with the servant girl and left his Queen to live happily ever after? No?….. If not why do we hope and pray that it happens? I understand that there may be circumstances going on in his life and marriage but that still doesn’t change the fact that he is married. For you and me the only thing that matters is the fact that this person is not mine. I can’t claim him in public. We can’t really be together unless we hide…. we can’t go to a movie without careful planning and whenever I am introduced to someone he knows I am simply his ‘friend’.
  • Friends with Benefits’ really who came up with this mess. We can play together and do all the things a couple would do but we are NOT a couple. In my humble opinion this is simply a lazy relationship. You don’t want to work on being more so you have reduced things down to the base. But does that lessen the emotion of the people involved? Actually no. Especially for most women. We can claim that friends with benefits are cool for a while but eventually emotions will arise.IMG_10902679046445
  • A deep desire to be loved…. This is the biggest reason so many of us chose to be the hidden woman/ man in a person’s life. It is not that we don’t love ourselves or that we are desperate loners who can’t get a relationship. We may actually love ourselves very much. We might simply unconsciously be tired and worn down from looking for Mr/Mrs Right that we choose to settle for who we have now rather than keep going through the headache of continuously looking.

images30For whatever reason you or I choose what we each have to understand is that we are worth more than simply remaining hidden. Sure it may seem like a good time for the moment and it may seem like we are truly getting what we want but in reality we aren’t. The person we see in the mirror is an individual and even though it may take a while there is someone out there specifically for us. We are amazing. We just have to keep reminding ourselves of that. No fantasy that we can make up in our minds will change the person into the man/woman of our dreams. It is true that sometimes the grass really does look greener on the other side but we have no idea of how much manure the other person had to shovel to get it that way. Don’t settle for less than what we deserve and don’t be fooled by our traitorous emotions into assuming that love will make things change. Being a hidden woman is not a badge of honor. It is a disservice to yourself. You deserve to shine. Your King is out there but he has to see you shining in all of your glory before he will recognize the gem you are. He can’t do that if you are hiding behind yourself.