When would you rather receive your flowers, while alive or dead?I know that is an unnerving statement but it needs to be said. Turn on the TV or internet and there will be some story related to Domestic Violence. It seems to be the one thing that is hard to escape, and yet we can change it. We CANNOT change the abuser but we CAN change ourselves. This piece will seem a little harsh, but, it is said with much love. It goes out to men and women alike, considering the way that a good many women are becoming just as violent as their male counterparts.STOP TRYING TO JUSTIFY ABUSE!!! I say this a thousand times. LOVE does not HURT! It does not hit. It does not stalk. It does not obsess. It does not burn clothes. None of those things are love, so why do we continuously say so when we try to defend our attacker?
Ask yourself why? Why do you stay? Don’t judge yourself and don’t think about how others may judge you. Just think of why you choose to stay. Is it really out of fear? Are you afraid of being alone? Are you afraid to not have love? Are you perhaps blinded by the fear of failure that you, think staying will somehow make the situation different? None of these things make you a bad person. It really doesn’t but here is the deal. We are told all the time to just pray about a situation and it will change. But just like with the flowers, when do you want to receive your prayer answers, alive or dead?Continue to pray for the person that has harmed you but get OUT if you can.
STOP saying he/she loves me! Who are you really trying to convince? yourself or everyone else?An abuser may care about you but that doesn’t equal to love. Love doesn’t give you a black eye. If he loves you why does he isolate you… berate you…. beat you? Is that love, because if it is, then why do so many prisoners of war not see it as such? Stockholm’s Syndrome (a victim’s emotional “bonding” with their abuser) can trick a lot of people into thinking that this horrendous treatment is love. This way of thinking is why so many of us go back.
STOP being afraid to be alone!If you are in an abusive relationship, isolated and afraid to trust then guess what? You are alone already. Now try being alone without having to walk on eggshells. Stop listening to lies. I listened to a friend talk about her abuser. She spoke about him with such love and affection that my heart went out to her. He talked to her about trust and that if he took her back he would need access to everything. He described how she would not be able to have friends and how she would basically be under his control. None of those things stood out to her as she was relaying his words. She chose to forget the black eyes. She only heard him talking about love. She desperately wants to be loved and he played on all of her feelings. Is that love? Sometimes Love really means loving the person in your mirror enough to be with them for a while.Get comfortable being alone. It doesn’t mean you will stay that way. Being alone is not a death sentence especially if you love the company you keep.
Love you enough to understand that you can not change anyone only you. Don’t be a victim of you. Staying or going back to an abusive relationship does not make you a martyr it makes you hurt.Love can be bittersweet but it is never physically or mentally painful. Stop confusing obsession and control with love. Stop allowing your own insecurities keep you in bondage. Just as victims with Stockholm’s can be treated and helped, so can you. You are never alone. Not really. There are those of us like myself that will always be there for you. Get help where you can. Make sure I can give your flowers to you while you can still smell them.
Thank goodness we’re adults. As a child, we all went through different struggles. We survived them and hopefully learned from them. But did we overcome them? As an adult anything that causes strife we seek to change or grow past. To do it we used the tools we learned as children to figure out the best course of action to take. What happens if the tools we learned are not at optimum levels? Meaning what happens if you never learned the lesson in your past? What happens when you don’t remember or were not able to understand the message? What if you have never grown past it? For a lot of us that felt the loss of innocenceat an early age it is extremely hard to simply move past the pain and learn from….. Sometimes the pain is just too great. For some of us that pain is still fresh even today, regardless of the fact that time has passed and we are now adults with new futures.
When we were children the innocence of age kept us from seeing the bad things in life.When that innocence is ripped away by outside factors beyond our control we didn’t necessarily have the tools to deal with the fallout. Poverty, drug abuse, child abuse, mental disease, depression, anxiety and a host of other childhood struggles have shaped the way we are as adults. Another thing was the way that we saw our parents. With the rise of single parents and the insecurities of the economy even our children will be affected.What does it matter? Why should we care about the past? It’s over and done.
We have all heard the phrase “Those who cannot remember the past, are condemned to repeat it” (George Santayana). For all of us this simple quote is true. We have to learn from the past. We can not simply afford to keep shoving it in a corner and hoping that time will eventually make it go away. In each and every one of us, there is a little kid hidden under years of supposed maturity. We owe it to that inner child to deal with the issues of childhood so that we can be better women/men, wives, husbands, lovers, friends, acquaintances.Your childhood is not something you can simply place a throw rug over and hope that it disappears. Ladies as a girl if you had issues with self-esteem and imagehow is it that just because you are technically now over the age of twenty-one you suddenly have become a diva? Did you go through the work of coming to terms with the image you had of yourself or are you now hiding behind a persona?If you are hiding behind the fake you, what happens when the facade fails? A person’s childhood is NOT the cause for ridicule. Don’t be ashamed of who you are or where you came from. Don’t hide it, accept it. In the case of abuse, it was not your fault. You did not deserve it. You don’t have to cover up your past. Yes it happened and it is over now. You survived it
Some women have ‘daddy issues’ that affect the way they look at the men in their lives. Others are dealing with the absence of a parent and the lack of support from the one present. More and more our younger generation are becoming more emotionally stunted. Some of us women are not sure how to be ladies because we never knew what it was like to be little girls. We grew up too fast and were considered adults or left to our own devices from a very early age. We didn’t have a buffer of immaturity that allowed us to make mistakes and be human. We were stunted and like with all cycles of abuse we are repeating the cycle with our kids.Men are affected in much the same way. The ‘absence of daddy’ or the ‘over protectiveness of mom’, might impact how he sees himself as a man. How will he know what it means to be a man if he has never been allowed to find out?
How does delving into my past help me in the present?….As a woman or man your past is a part of who you are. You are grown now and can do all the things you imagined so why are you unhappy? What reason is it that your relationships fail? Why are you unconsciously sabotaging yourself in the things in your life? Looking at things and questioning our past can help us to recognize red flags and cycles that are present. We might recognize that the reason we have never married or have a long-term relationship could be because we have a fear of commitment. Now the task is to find out where that fear came from?
My past hurts. I don’t want to remember it…. If you were bullied in school or maybe had a poor self-image getting over all of that negativity is not always easy. Hiding behind a fake you will only put a band-aid on a broken leg. The constant struggle to be fake can cause depression and anxiety since it is not really you. Instead of hiding. Come to terms with the ‘Perfectly imperfect’ YOU. Drop the image and be real.
Don’t be afraid to rip open the doors of the past. The good news is you cannot relive yesterday. You can learn from it as we should. Look for the cycles in your life and change them before they worm their way into your future and by default into the futures of your children. You have full control.