When Would You Rather Receive Your Flowers, While Alive or Dead?

floweretiquetteWhen would you rather receive your flowers, while alive or dead? I know that is an unnerving statement but it needs to be said. Turn on the TV or internet  and there will be some story related to Domestic Violence. It seems to be the one thing that is hard to escape, and yet we can change it. We CANNOT change the abuser but we CAN change ourselves. This piece will seem a little harsh, but, it is said with much love. It goes out to men and women alike, considering the way that a good many women are becoming just as violent as their male counterparts.menhurttoo STOP TRYING TO JUSTIFY ABUSE!!! I say this a thousand times. LOVE does not HURT! It does not hit. It does not stalk. It does not obsess. It does not burn clothes. None of those things are love, so why do we continuously say so when we try to defend our attacker?

83_showcase_project_detail_itemAsk yourself why? Why do you stay? Don’t judge yourself and don’t think about how others may judge you. Just think of why you choose to stay. Is it really out of fear? Are you afraid of being alone? Are you afraid to not have love? Are you perhaps blinded by the fear of failure that you, think staying will somehow make the situation different? None of these things make you a bad person. It really doesn’t but here is the deal. We are told all the time to just pray about a situation and it will change. But just like with the flowers, when do you want to receive your prayer answers, alive or dead? Continue to pray for the person that has harmed you but get OUT if you can.wow

  • STOP saying he/she loves me! Who are you really trying to convince? yourself or everyone else?An abuser may care about you but that doesn’t equal to love. Love doesn’t give you a black eye. If he loves you why does he isolate you… berate you…. beat you? Is that love, because if it is, then why do so many prisoners of war not see it as such? powerfulStockholm’s Syndrome (a victim’s emotional “bonding” with their abuser) can trick a lot of people into thinking that this horrendous treatment is love. This way of thinking is why so many of us go back.
  • STOP being afraid to be alone! If you are in an abusive relationship, isolated and afraid to trust then guess what? You are alone already. Now try being alone without having to walk on eggshells. Stop listening to lies. I listened to a friend talk about her abuser. She spoke about him with such love and affection that my heart went out to her. He talked to her about trust and that if he took her back he would need access to everything. He described how she would not be able to have friends and how she would basically be under his control. None of those things stood out to her as she was relaying his words. She chose to forget the black eyes. She only heard him talking about love. She desperately wants to be loved and he played on all of her feelings. Is that love? Sometimes Love really means loving the person in your mirror enough to be with them for a while. images (34)Get comfortable being alone. It doesn’t mean you will stay that way. Being alone is not a death sentence especially if you love the company you keep.

Romanian women, who have lent their faceLove you enough to understand that you can not change anyone only you. Don’t be a victim of you. Staying or going back to an abusive relationship does not make you a martyr it makes you hurt. Love can be bittersweet but it is never physically or mentally painful. Stop confusing obsession and control with love. Stop allowing your own insecurities keep you in bondage. Just as victims with Stockholm’s can be treated and helped, so can you. You are never alone. Not really. There are those of us like myself that will always be there for you. Get help where you can. Make sure I can give your flowers to you while you can still smell them.

AngWoman Receiving Flowers

Beauty…That is You!

Beautyimages (55)

Why do you refuse to see…. the beauty that is you?

Look in the mirror,

Do you see that smile,

that grin, those eyes and hair?

That is you!

That is beauty!

Do you see a heart full of love and understanding?

Do you see a mind so full of wonder and imagining?

That is you!

That is beauty!

If you can’t see beauty, come here sister, let me show you how….

Stand before your mirror, take off your weave, take off your earrings, lashes, and makeup…

Remove your fashionable clothes and stand proudly, naked as the day you were born…

Run your fingers through the crown that you have always adorned

Stare long and hard at the person there before you. Who is she?

She is you.

She is me.

She is we…

And we are beauty!

white-black-woman

Stand there a few moments longer until it starts to feel funny.

Tell yourself all the things that you don’t like and want to change. Be honest honey.

This is not to tear you down,

So turn off that frown.

Look long at hard, who is she?

 She is you.

She is me.

She is we.

And we are beauty!hatuoltramiss

So you have a little more cushion here or there? No matter.

Bodies can change, weight can be lost, but will that make you better?

No? Why not? People say all the time how happy they are being thin or thick.

They talk about the physical as if it isn’t fleeting,

Forgetting all the while that even the heart stops beating.

Your body means nothing, not your booty or boobs

Even the best plastic surgeon can’t keep up a ruse

Look back at that person in YOUR mirror. Now close your eyes and wish to change.

Wish to change your hair, your eyes, your body and image….Wish for money and fame, diamonds and cars

Wish with all your might to be living large.

Open your eyes and what do you see

Nothing has changed you are still you. I am still me.

Is it a bad thing? No it is fine…

We are both still descended from an amazing line…

We are beauty!pretty-black-woman

Your hair is your own, it is your crown

Wear it proudly

Be you loudly.

Your clothes are an extension of you.

They don’t have to compare to someone else’s boo.

You are who you are, as well you should.

Smile sister, I knew you could.

Your reflection is the real you and that is good.

You are human and as such not perfect,

Your body is your body not a defect.UPTOWN_overweight_woman

Accept who you are and be amazed

You don’t have to conform

You are still norm

You are beauty personified,

That is Beauty,

That is you.

Are You The ‘Path Of Least Resistance’?

beautyAre you ‘the path of least resistance’? Often I talk to men about how they see women and themselves. The subject came up about the way some men treat the women that they meet.  Some of us ladies assume that we have to be a certain type of woman or we go out of our way to catch the attention of a man. We will basically walk around darn near naked, if that will get the attention of the man we want. Some of us will become an alter ego, where we are basically only mimicking the woman that we assume he wants, and hiding our true selves. All of this we do but the shocking thing is, according to a good many men, this does not endear us to him. Sure you caught his attention. Now what? Beauty fades. Booties sag… Bodies even though they can be altered still get old.  Some men  honestly want more than just a pretty face and a nice body. Sure it is nice but at the end of the day, they have their pick of different available bodies willing to be used. uh uh

I look at myself and at the pictures I take. The way I choose to dress… I look at the people I associate myself with. Why do I do it? Why do I dress the way that I do? Why am I so concerned about my appearance? Why do I care what men think of me? I know a lot of people will look at this article and assume I am going to start bashing women. 2014-03-10-15-29-30--2081377712I am not going to do that. Instead I am simply asking you to look at who you are and who you want to be.  The question above  “Are you the path of least resistance?is meant to make you think. When I talked to my friend and a few dozen other men I asked the question, “Do men already have a set idea about the woman they want to be with?” The majority of them admitted that they do. Not surprising however, the woman they want is NOT the one twerking in the video. She is the toy for most. 

ow veyWhen asked to look at two different pictures of women, one of them with a woman dressed very provocative and the other with a one dressed demurely, most of the men stated that if they were just looking to have sex they would move based on appearance to the ‘path of least resistance’. In other words the woman dressed in the sexy attire seems to be the easier option. Some men assume that a woman dressed very conservatively will take more work. But if a woman is parading around and looking as if she is ‘on the prowl’, all he has to do is spit minimal game and she will fall for it.really trick It’s not to say that she is not to be respected but that she may give the impression that she does not respect herself. We see this type of behavior all the time on social media. Women will take booty pics, grown and sexy challenges, post wild statements or even refer to sex constantly in order to get noticed. We do it even though this is the wrong type of attention. We do it, in spite of the way that some men immediately after seeing those pics or talking to us, start looking at us as nothing more than a wet hole. Sorry to be vulgar but its true.

TwoWeddingPhotographers-3-SNo one is saying to play hard to get. No one is saying start walking around with dresses down to our knees…. No… What I am saying is give him a chance to earn the right to see the sexiest side of you. Stop putting yourself out there with a target on your back. Especially if you are trying to build a relationship. You don’t have to be a sex star all of the time. This does not make you a better woman. It makes you easier prey. Put your boobs and booty away. Stand up straight and face forward. If you want to twerk for your man do it at home and not online and do it for his eyes only. Sex and sexy behavior should be a fun past time and NOT a coat of armor. You are too precious as an individual to keep allowing yourself to be nothing more than the easiest move on a chess board. 

AngChoose-the-guy-who-takes-you-to-his-house-to-meet-his-parents-not-his-bedroom

Control, Project & Lead By Example…

valueExcuses…. someone brought up the subject about women making excuses for each other and it made me think. Sometimes the excuses are good, sometimes bad. The point is they are there, and they can either help or harm us.  I went to bed, and woke up with that thought on my mind. Do we (women) make excuses? Are we the one’s freely giving away the power of self?  Are we so blind to the plights of others that the biggest excuse we give ourselves is that the other woman is somehow different or she asked for it? She allowed herself to be disrespected therefore it is not my problem and that makes it funny. images (96) I asked women how they felt about being called b****es.  For me the answer was outrage as it was for a few others.  For some however,  the answer was “Depends on how it’s being used. ” In other words they argued that the use of this term can actually mean something good. If a woman is called a bad b***h then that means she is about her business.  Well why not simply say that she is good at what she does? Why use a derogatory word and try to make it less derogatory by turning it into a compliment?

uh uhA video was shared on FB by a male friend of mine, that he and other men, found hilarious. I was curious,so I watched it. It talked about how side chicks should ‘stay in their lane’.  As I watched, I was not amused. I grew more furious by the moment.  I sat there and I replayed it, just to make sure I didn’t miss anything.  Then I started reading the comments. “That’s how some women are”. “That’s what women like that get”. These were comments from women. Some of us actually found it funny. When asked about that, a few tried to justify their humor, by saying that if a woman was stupid enough to allow a man to treat her as such, then she gets what she gets. It’s funny now.strone-women-lift This same logic …. these same words follow women everywhere.  Even in the world of domestic abuse, a lot of women will stand by and watch a friend, stranger or even relative being battered and simply say “She stupid for putting up with that. If it was me I would….” Well here’s a newsflash ladies….. every time you do that you are justifying why you made a conscious choice to judge and not act. You made an EXCUSE!

DAUGHTER“Women are forever saying that men treat us like we are cheap and dirty, but we are the ones in control of the images that we put out. We are the ones that control what men see and we control how he will treat us. ” I have repeated this statement a thousand times, even though at times I think it is falling on deaf ears. It is frustrating to see the way some of us women will give over the power of self in order, to please another. Stop making excuses Sisters. Stop being a victim to your own heart and foolishness. If you want respect, be someone who can be respected. Stop looking to others and saying that it is the other woman’s fault and passing the blame, all the while, your own closet is so full of skeletons it resembles a crypt. It is not funny to see a woman selling herself short. It is NOT OK for me to do the same. We are all worth more than we can ever imagine. Ladies stop allowing your dignity and pride as a woman be bought! You don’t have to parade naked to be seen. You don’t have to be loud. You don’t have to be a toy for an unavailable man who will never be yours. You can CHOOSE to be free. The KEY to your life has ALWAYS been in your own hands. YOU control YOU! Now control how you project the real you to the world and teach your daughters. sisters, and friends to do the same. STOP ridiculing other sisters and lead by example. Lift up those who need it. good enough

 

Ang

 

I Forgot To Be Human

10785_652311498172737_1809466878_nWhen life hits you in the face with a two by four, most people are able to bounce back with ease. There are a few that can’t. Some like myself need a little more time to feel the hurt,deal with it and then analyze why it happened. Along that time I go through a dozen different emotions. One of those is depression. I have made no qualms about discussing my problem with anyone that wanted to hear it. I talk openly about the self hatred that I suffered growing up after never quite fitting into a certain image of perfection that I had designed in my own mind. I talk about my penchant for picking bad boys; joking about how if there was a jerk within a five mile radius, I would find him and fall for him. I talk about all of those things and yet do I believe in my own transformation. Recently I went through a serious crisis of faith.1908294_10152475053909709_6050693286807572841_n

I was tormented by the problems in my life and the duties of being a shoulder of so many. I forgot to make time for me. I forgot to breath. I forgot that I was human and therefore not perfect. I forgot that I don’t have to be. There are times when I would look at myself and only see the bad about the person in the mirror all over again. The reason for that is because once I found out I could not handle the entire world, and that things can and will happen to even me. I began to doubt other areas in my life. Suddenly I started looking at the mirror and seeing this overweight woman staring back at me, I would cringe. I looked at the fact that my organization is not  growing by leaps and bounds as I had hoped. I looked at the fact that my book sales seem to be steady but not enough to cause a blip in my financial situation. I looked at myself trying to find work and being turned down time and again for whatever reason. I saw all of the people around me and paranoia set in, making me think that they were laughing at me, behind my back. In school, normally one to excel in class, I found myself on the verge of failing, because one class in particular was just too out of my box. Finally I looked at the fact that I am alone and I wondered why.10325550_10152198698802407_5064911169029293202_n  All of those things I found myself rehashing over and over again until I had become almost despondent. Friends and relatives tried their best to cheer me up but I could not feel any better. I felt as if I were somehow forgotten by God himself.

1554376_10152408577649104_6701424679065276607_nThe reason why I am sharing this is because someone out there may feel the same and I want you to know you are not alone. I felt the urge to just give in but I didn’t. Now much like a soldier returning home from war I am licking my wounds. I am optimistic about GIRLS I know eventually it will span the globe. I am not fat or repulsive, just needing to shed a few pounds. The book will do fine in time, In the meantime I am doing research for future ones. The people around me even if they were talking and laughing then so what? They do not define me and their words only hurt if I allow them to. And that was just one class,I can retake it. Life is not as horrid as I assumed. Being depressed can make us all think the worst BUT remember to breath and feed your soul. Be positive and learn to teach yourself how to roll or absorb the punches life throws at you. I want you to see and understand that I have been where you are and I am still recovering from it. I am not perfect and that is OK! You don’t have to feel alone because you’re not alone. You don’t have to compare your problems to mine, because your pain is your pain, and just as valid. What you have to do is Believe in YOU! You are so much more powerful than you know and so am I. (((HUGS)))10013041_10152025237647634_1538175927_n

Ang

Could Your Post Make Your Rape OK?

jadaA few weeks ago there a young woman was raped and filmed and the pictures were plastered all over social media. She was 16 and after passing out she was stripped and violated. The responses from some men and women, turned my stomach when I talked about and spread the news. A few men blamed the victim.If she wasn’t drunk she would not have been in that situation“. This made me so angry I wanted to start a new war. A lot of people that viewed those pictures thought they were funny and made memes joking and laughing about being Jada’d. What has changed about the world that could make someone that deprived, think that rape was funny? Why are there not more people going around and rallying for justice for this young girl? Why does it seem as if we would rather laugh at violence than change it? Is this who we are? victim blaming

I look on my news feed on different social media, and I am appalled by the number of people posting these videos of women twerking or fighting. We say some of the most ridiculous things when we share this mess. (It is either funny to us or degrading). Today alone, I saw a dozen videos of women shaking their booties. I am not a prude nor do I judge. It’s your body do with it what you will if you are old enough to understand the consequences. don't value My question is why are there so many? It seems that more and more women are jumping at the chance to showcase her ability to drop it like its hot. WHY? How is this showcasing strength? How is this showing us to be  above reproach? Is posting these videos causing some men to not see us as human beings but as fodder for playtime? These questions plague me because just as I was sitting here responding to comments from my post about Jada, I began to think long and hard. If Jada being drunk made rape OK, what does posting a video of a ourselves popping our butts like we have no other means of showing beauty, mean? Will the next argument be  if I posted a video of myself then showed up at a party, I am asking to be raped? What about if I am constantly posting sexy pics of myself online? What if I had a few drinks and danced in front of a group of men?boys consent

How did we get to the point where our girls are posting more and more pics  or worse we are training them on how? I still see disturbing images of teenagers and babies twerking. If the dances and attire of these girls is the same that you would see at a strip club or bar, is this not enticing to the minds of men? Although she is only 13, it doesn’t mean anything if she has the body of a 20 year old, and men won’t respond to it. Come on people! If Jada was raped while at a party, filmed and plastered all over the web to be made fun of, it could just as easily have been our daughter. The threat is not that far away and we as parents may be allowing it to happen.mom and daughter Women I say this to you, before you post a pic of yourself remember that if you have a daughter she may end up doing the same. Just because a man likes the video or pic, doesn’t mean he respects you. Just because you are grown and look good at 25, it doesn’t mean that you will still be proud of that video that you posted 10 or 20 years from now.

Be accountable for the person in your mirror and the one you are raising. Be aware that some people are using the things we do against us. In the case of Jada what if  her attackers were caught and the jury included a few people that felt she asked for it? What will happen next? What if the next victim was your 14 year old niece, but she looks and acts older? Each of those pics shared of Jada were child pornography. Each of the pics our daughters are sending to young men and posting online is child porn. Stop making ourselves out to be only sexual beings. Pull back some and be more sensual. Grown and sexy should not always mean simply grown and popping.  Talk to your kids. really talk TO them and not AT them. Find out if they understand that rape is still rape. Assault is still assault and no one ASKS for it! legacy

Ang

It’s Worse…. Please Wake UP!

kid behind bars     I recently did research for a support group I am trying to build for teenage girls, what I found, upset me so badly that I was physically ill. According to nearly a dozen websites about pedophilia and sexual abuse in Western society  nearly 36% of the sex offenders are CHILDREN.The number of youth coming to the attention of police for sex offenses increases sharply at age 12 and plateaus after age 14. Early adolescence is the peak age for offenses against younger children. Offenses against teenagers surge during mid to late adolescence, while offenses against victims under age 12 decline.” (US Dept of Justice, 2009) 

     Why are our children becoming so sexually violent? A lot of  offenders have been proven to been victims themselves. Today’s society is very over sexed, but now that I am aware of the effect this is having on our youth, I am terrified beyond belief. Most of us may still be a little skeptical of that number, but I can assure you the number is accurate. If anything it might be growing. For most people the definition of a pedophile can depend on perception. In a lot of cultures it is not against the law to have relations with a young child as long as they have gone through puberty. All of that is fact, however, here in the US it is considered to be wrong to have sexual relations with a child. Did you know that the average age of the models on most of the ads are between the ages of 12 and 16? Or that some modeling agencies may consider a young girl of 19 to be too old? That’s not that bad right? Unless…..french-v Consider the fact that the featuring of nudity from a child model is considered art. Sooo images of a 12-year-old dressed very sexually and posed, is not child porn so long as she is doing it for a magazine but if you take a pic of your daughter in a bikini and post it on Facebook it can be seen as suggestive.

juvenile     Over the course of the last few years more and more teen and young adolescents are being labeled as sex offenders. In Maryland just last year a 15-year-old was on trial for 12 counts of child porn after sending pictures of himself to another teen. This means parents, that gone were the days when we could say ‘kids will be kids’. We can no longer justify our young girls and men as experimenting and simply being kids. This is real. It is becoming an epidemic. A 18 year old in Arizona was convicted as a serial rapist for attacking nearly 18 young girls. tyler Kost This young man wasn’t just your typical looking Jeffrey Dahmer type.  It is not just the creepy guy in the van, that we have to be aware of anymore. I would like to think that this young man was actually a fluke but he isn’t. All we have to do is look around us and we can find examples. Recently the web exploded with images of Jeremy Meeks the sexy felon that went viral. Young girls were so enamored by his face that they were willing to overlook the danger of his deeds. The responses and number of women boasting about wanting to help pay bail or be his girl, made me want to throttle them. Imagine if he were a rapist….. Does his looks excuse his behavior then?  In our minds the obvious answer may be no but to teen girls, they may not view rape as unforgivable as we did.

Jeremy meeks     I posted an article on here about the dangers of seeing our young girls as sexual beings. I even took time away from blogging to try to reach young teens due to the marked growth in domestic violence among them.We have to take action now before thinks go any further.  As parents let’s first turn off the sexual images that we see on TV, social media or even the radio. Simply be a parent, teacher or friend in that moment. Talk to your teens and children. Ask them if they have had any situations where they have been made to feel uncomfortable. Make sure our daughters and sons are not so busy looking for the man with horns that they miss the woman with the tail. Or the peer from class that was abused and now seeks to abuse. Understand that things are not like it was when we were kids. We have always had problems with sex offenders and teen sexuality, we did not have the level of indifference to personal accountability and safety that we do now.  Talk to your daughters BEFORE letting them go out, about the dangers of date rape and let her know that if it happens she can talk about it. Talk to your sons about the dangers of the supposed cougar or older woman who just wants to make him a man.slut-shaming-crying-girl-300x300

The other night I was trying to find something to take my mind off of this horror when while perusing Netflix I came upon this movie. Are All Men Pedophiles. I had a lump in my throat already from the different websites that talked about child sexuality, but after watching that video I was literally in tears. I had to disprove it. I went on a full search that led into to the early in the morning. I wanted to find evidence to debunk these preposterous claims. I cried because I could not find anything. We have allowed our society to become over sexed and as a result we as a society can not distinguish whom among us are the real predators.

Girl_Teenager_8522132_H     In the documentary above one of the doctors above actually postulated that in the not so distant future pedophilia may actually be considered as an orientation much like homosexuality was. The difference as she stated was that the person must not act on the urges. I thought about that all night and morning. It just would not leave my mind. Because in the video there were a few pedophiles that were married and openly admitted to having sexual fantasies about children. Does being open about it make it OK? The documentary did not say so but it seemed to me that the people who appeared on camera thought so.  So should they be listed as sex offenders still if they have not technically committed a crime?

     We are going after children for posting pictures yet we (adults),  continue to glorify sexuality in everything they see. Reality TV shows, movies, games, music, internet, social media all of these things are all pretty much dominated by sex. Even some of our supposed Disney and kid friendly programming are still have the hint of sex. To be honest the way that we are going are we not making it easy for the true pedophile to be more tempted to be an offending pedophile? He/she can simply turn on the TV or go outside and we are literally handing our children up as sacrificial lambs.  Our children see us doing the same things that we tell them not to. We have become hypocrites in our own homes and then we wonder why they no longer listen to us. Are they becoming so violent because we are violent?

What can we do? How can we stop this epidemic? This nightmare has to end….. It’s time to WAKE UP!

adorable