Control, Project & Lead By Example…

valueExcuses…. someone brought up the subject about women making excuses for each other and it made me think. Sometimes the excuses are good, sometimes bad. The point is they are there, and they can either help or harm us.  I went to bed, and woke up with that thought on my mind. Do we (women) make excuses? Are we the one’s freely giving away the power of self?  Are we so blind to the plights of others that the biggest excuse we give ourselves is that the other woman is somehow different or she asked for it? She allowed herself to be disrespected therefore it is not my problem and that makes it funny. images (96) I asked women how they felt about being called b****es.  For me the answer was outrage as it was for a few others.  For some however,  the answer was “Depends on how it’s being used. ” In other words they argued that the use of this term can actually mean something good. If a woman is called a bad b***h then that means she is about her business.  Well why not simply say that she is good at what she does? Why use a derogatory word and try to make it less derogatory by turning it into a compliment?

uh uhA video was shared on FB by a male friend of mine, that he and other men, found hilarious. I was curious,so I watched it. It talked about how side chicks should ‘stay in their lane’.  As I watched, I was not amused. I grew more furious by the moment.  I sat there and I replayed it, just to make sure I didn’t miss anything.  Then I started reading the comments. “That’s how some women are”. “That’s what women like that get”. These were comments from women. Some of us actually found it funny. When asked about that, a few tried to justify their humor, by saying that if a woman was stupid enough to allow a man to treat her as such, then she gets what she gets. It’s funny now.strone-women-lift This same logic …. these same words follow women everywhere.  Even in the world of domestic abuse, a lot of women will stand by and watch a friend, stranger or even relative being battered and simply say “She stupid for putting up with that. If it was me I would….” Well here’s a newsflash ladies….. every time you do that you are justifying why you made a conscious choice to judge and not act. You made an EXCUSE!

DAUGHTER“Women are forever saying that men treat us like we are cheap and dirty, but we are the ones in control of the images that we put out. We are the ones that control what men see and we control how he will treat us. ” I have repeated this statement a thousand times, even though at times I think it is falling on deaf ears. It is frustrating to see the way some of us women will give over the power of self in order, to please another. Stop making excuses Sisters. Stop being a victim to your own heart and foolishness. If you want respect, be someone who can be respected. Stop looking to others and saying that it is the other woman’s fault and passing the blame, all the while, your own closet is so full of skeletons it resembles a crypt. It is not funny to see a woman selling herself short. It is NOT OK for me to do the same. We are all worth more than we can ever imagine. Ladies stop allowing your dignity and pride as a woman be bought! You don’t have to parade naked to be seen. You don’t have to be loud. You don’t have to be a toy for an unavailable man who will never be yours. You can CHOOSE to be free. The KEY to your life has ALWAYS been in your own hands. YOU control YOU! Now control how you project the real you to the world and teach your daughters. sisters, and friends to do the same. STOP ridiculing other sisters and lead by example. Lift up those who need it. good enough

 

Ang

 

I Forgot To Be Human

10785_652311498172737_1809466878_nWhen life hits you in the face with a two by four, most people are able to bounce back with ease. There are a few that can’t. Some like myself need a little more time to feel the hurt,deal with it and then analyze why it happened. Along that time I go through a dozen different emotions. One of those is depression. I have made no qualms about discussing my problem with anyone that wanted to hear it. I talk openly about the self hatred that I suffered growing up after never quite fitting into a certain image of perfection that I had designed in my own mind. I talk about my penchant for picking bad boys; joking about how if there was a jerk within a five mile radius, I would find him and fall for him. I talk about all of those things and yet do I believe in my own transformation. Recently I went through a serious crisis of faith.1908294_10152475053909709_6050693286807572841_n

I was tormented by the problems in my life and the duties of being a shoulder of so many. I forgot to make time for me. I forgot to breath. I forgot that I was human and therefore not perfect. I forgot that I don’t have to be. There are times when I would look at myself and only see the bad about the person in the mirror all over again. The reason for that is because once I found out I could not handle the entire world, and that things can and will happen to even me. I began to doubt other areas in my life. Suddenly I started looking at the mirror and seeing this overweight woman staring back at me, I would cringe. I looked at the fact that my organization is not  growing by leaps and bounds as I had hoped. I looked at the fact that my book sales seem to be steady but not enough to cause a blip in my financial situation. I looked at myself trying to find work and being turned down time and again for whatever reason. I saw all of the people around me and paranoia set in, making me think that they were laughing at me, behind my back. In school, normally one to excel in class, I found myself on the verge of failing, because one class in particular was just too out of my box. Finally I looked at the fact that I am alone and I wondered why.10325550_10152198698802407_5064911169029293202_n  All of those things I found myself rehashing over and over again until I had become almost despondent. Friends and relatives tried their best to cheer me up but I could not feel any better. I felt as if I were somehow forgotten by God himself.

1554376_10152408577649104_6701424679065276607_nThe reason why I am sharing this is because someone out there may feel the same and I want you to know you are not alone. I felt the urge to just give in but I didn’t. Now much like a soldier returning home from war I am licking my wounds. I am optimistic about GIRLS I know eventually it will span the globe. I am not fat or repulsive, just needing to shed a few pounds. The book will do fine in time, In the meantime I am doing research for future ones. The people around me even if they were talking and laughing then so what? They do not define me and their words only hurt if I allow them to. And that was just one class,I can retake it. Life is not as horrid as I assumed. Being depressed can make us all think the worst BUT remember to breath and feed your soul. Be positive and learn to teach yourself how to roll or absorb the punches life throws at you. I want you to see and understand that I have been where you are and I am still recovering from it. I am not perfect and that is OK! You don’t have to feel alone because you’re not alone. You don’t have to compare your problems to mine, because your pain is your pain, and just as valid. What you have to do is Believe in YOU! You are so much more powerful than you know and so am I. (((HUGS)))10013041_10152025237647634_1538175927_n

Ang

Could Your Post Make Your Rape OK?

jadaA few weeks ago there a young woman was raped and filmed and the pictures were plastered all over social media. She was 16 and after passing out she was stripped and violated. The responses from some men and women, turned my stomach when I talked about and spread the news. A few men blamed the victim.If she wasn’t drunk she would not have been in that situation“. This made me so angry I wanted to start a new war. A lot of people that viewed those pictures thought they were funny and made memes joking and laughing about being Jada’d. What has changed about the world that could make someone that deprived, think that rape was funny? Why are there not more people going around and rallying for justice for this young girl? Why does it seem as if we would rather laugh at violence than change it? Is this who we are? victim blaming

I look on my news feed on different social media, and I am appalled by the number of people posting these videos of women twerking or fighting. We say some of the most ridiculous things when we share this mess. (It is either funny to us or degrading). Today alone, I saw a dozen videos of women shaking their booties. I am not a prude nor do I judge. It’s your body do with it what you will if you are old enough to understand the consequences. don't value My question is why are there so many? It seems that more and more women are jumping at the chance to showcase her ability to drop it like its hot. WHY? How is this showcasing strength? How is this showing us to be  above reproach? Is posting these videos causing some men to not see us as human beings but as fodder for playtime? These questions plague me because just as I was sitting here responding to comments from my post about Jada, I began to think long and hard. If Jada being drunk made rape OK, what does posting a video of a ourselves popping our butts like we have no other means of showing beauty, mean? Will the next argument be  if I posted a video of myself then showed up at a party, I am asking to be raped? What about if I am constantly posting sexy pics of myself online? What if I had a few drinks and danced in front of a group of men?boys consent

How did we get to the point where our girls are posting more and more pics  or worse we are training them on how? I still see disturbing images of teenagers and babies twerking. If the dances and attire of these girls is the same that you would see at a strip club or bar, is this not enticing to the minds of men? Although she is only 13, it doesn’t mean anything if she has the body of a 20 year old, and men won’t respond to it. Come on people! If Jada was raped while at a party, filmed and plastered all over the web to be made fun of, it could just as easily have been our daughter. The threat is not that far away and we as parents may be allowing it to happen.mom and daughter Women I say this to you, before you post a pic of yourself remember that if you have a daughter she may end up doing the same. Just because a man likes the video or pic, doesn’t mean he respects you. Just because you are grown and look good at 25, it doesn’t mean that you will still be proud of that video that you posted 10 or 20 years from now.

Be accountable for the person in your mirror and the one you are raising. Be aware that some people are using the things we do against us. In the case of Jada what if  her attackers were caught and the jury included a few people that felt she asked for it? What will happen next? What if the next victim was your 14 year old niece, but she looks and acts older? Each of those pics shared of Jada were child pornography. Each of the pics our daughters are sending to young men and posting online is child porn. Stop making ourselves out to be only sexual beings. Pull back some and be more sensual. Grown and sexy should not always mean simply grown and popping.  Talk to your kids. really talk TO them and not AT them. Find out if they understand that rape is still rape. Assault is still assault and no one ASKS for it! legacy

Ang

It’s Worse…. Please Wake UP!

kid behind bars     I recently did research for a support group I am trying to build for teenage girls, what I found, upset me so badly that I was physically ill. According to nearly a dozen websites about pedophilia and sexual abuse in Western society  nearly 36% of the sex offenders are CHILDREN.The number of youth coming to the attention of police for sex offenses increases sharply at age 12 and plateaus after age 14. Early adolescence is the peak age for offenses against younger children. Offenses against teenagers surge during mid to late adolescence, while offenses against victims under age 12 decline.” (US Dept of Justice, 2009) 

     Why are our children becoming so sexually violent? A lot of  offenders have been proven to been victims themselves. Today’s society is very over sexed, but now that I am aware of the effect this is having on our youth, I am terrified beyond belief. Most of us may still be a little skeptical of that number, but I can assure you the number is accurate. If anything it might be growing. For most people the definition of a pedophile can depend on perception. In a lot of cultures it is not against the law to have relations with a young child as long as they have gone through puberty. All of that is fact, however, here in the US it is considered to be wrong to have sexual relations with a child. Did you know that the average age of the models on most of the ads are between the ages of 12 and 16? Or that some modeling agencies may consider a young girl of 19 to be too old? That’s not that bad right? Unless…..french-v Consider the fact that the featuring of nudity from a child model is considered art. Sooo images of a 12-year-old dressed very sexually and posed, is not child porn so long as she is doing it for a magazine but if you take a pic of your daughter in a bikini and post it on Facebook it can be seen as suggestive.

juvenile     Over the course of the last few years more and more teen and young adolescents are being labeled as sex offenders. In Maryland just last year a 15-year-old was on trial for 12 counts of child porn after sending pictures of himself to another teen. This means parents, that gone were the days when we could say ‘kids will be kids’. We can no longer justify our young girls and men as experimenting and simply being kids. This is real. It is becoming an epidemic. A 18 year old in Arizona was convicted as a serial rapist for attacking nearly 18 young girls. tyler Kost This young man wasn’t just your typical looking Jeffrey Dahmer type.  It is not just the creepy guy in the van, that we have to be aware of anymore. I would like to think that this young man was actually a fluke but he isn’t. All we have to do is look around us and we can find examples. Recently the web exploded with images of Jeremy Meeks the sexy felon that went viral. Young girls were so enamored by his face that they were willing to overlook the danger of his deeds. The responses and number of women boasting about wanting to help pay bail or be his girl, made me want to throttle them. Imagine if he were a rapist….. Does his looks excuse his behavior then?  In our minds the obvious answer may be no but to teen girls, they may not view rape as unforgivable as we did.

Jeremy meeks     I posted an article on here about the dangers of seeing our young girls as sexual beings. I even took time away from blogging to try to reach young teens due to the marked growth in domestic violence among them.We have to take action now before thinks go any further.  As parents let’s first turn off the sexual images that we see on TV, social media or even the radio. Simply be a parent, teacher or friend in that moment. Talk to your teens and children. Ask them if they have had any situations where they have been made to feel uncomfortable. Make sure our daughters and sons are not so busy looking for the man with horns that they miss the woman with the tail. Or the peer from class that was abused and now seeks to abuse. Understand that things are not like it was when we were kids. We have always had problems with sex offenders and teen sexuality, we did not have the level of indifference to personal accountability and safety that we do now.  Talk to your daughters BEFORE letting them go out, about the dangers of date rape and let her know that if it happens she can talk about it. Talk to your sons about the dangers of the supposed cougar or older woman who just wants to make him a man.slut-shaming-crying-girl-300x300

The other night I was trying to find something to take my mind off of this horror when while perusing Netflix I came upon this movie. Are All Men Pedophiles. I had a lump in my throat already from the different websites that talked about child sexuality, but after watching that video I was literally in tears. I had to disprove it. I went on a full search that led into to the early in the morning. I wanted to find evidence to debunk these preposterous claims. I cried because I could not find anything. We have allowed our society to become over sexed and as a result we as a society can not distinguish whom among us are the real predators.

Girl_Teenager_8522132_H     In the documentary above one of the doctors above actually postulated that in the not so distant future pedophilia may actually be considered as an orientation much like homosexuality was. The difference as she stated was that the person must not act on the urges. I thought about that all night and morning. It just would not leave my mind. Because in the video there were a few pedophiles that were married and openly admitted to having sexual fantasies about children. Does being open about it make it OK? The documentary did not say so but it seemed to me that the people who appeared on camera thought so.  So should they be listed as sex offenders still if they have not technically committed a crime?

     We are going after children for posting pictures yet we (adults),  continue to glorify sexuality in everything they see. Reality TV shows, movies, games, music, internet, social media all of these things are all pretty much dominated by sex. Even some of our supposed Disney and kid friendly programming are still have the hint of sex. To be honest the way that we are going are we not making it easy for the true pedophile to be more tempted to be an offending pedophile? He/she can simply turn on the TV or go outside and we are literally handing our children up as sacrificial lambs.  Our children see us doing the same things that we tell them not to. We have become hypocrites in our own homes and then we wonder why they no longer listen to us. Are they becoming so violent because we are violent?

What can we do? How can we stop this epidemic? This nightmare has to end….. It’s time to WAKE UP!

adorable

Casualties Of War….Who Will Be Their Guides?….

teen girlsLooking at the next generation, I am left wondering who will lead them? If mom and dad have been replaced by reality TV and music, who is raising our kids? And who will be there to raise and teach their children? What happened to imaginations and playtime? What happened to compassion and empathy?  What happened to shame? Where did all this anger come from? Why can we no longer carry on conversations with each other in person, and yet we will text or talk all day on social media? Why has society changed so drastically and not in a good way? There are so many questions, and yet I really do not have all of the answers. The more I try to come up with answers, the more questions I have. The more I question, the angrier I get. Not at the individuals, but at the seeming futility of trying to find solutions that are as long-lasting as they are needed. It is as if we are fighting a war with some invisible enemy. Someone or something is generating such discontent but what? Who? What if the enemy is really us?10171227_758121634211546_71165956_n

Instead of a nation of free thinkers; we are now one full of followers. The media and celebrities determine acceptable behavior and not mom and dad.How did this happen? Our sons and daughters are becoming carbon images of a contrived money machine. Not a particular person, but a formula for one that has just enough reality in it, to make it palatable to most and believed by nearly all.  The media has glorified ignorant and dramatic behavior because it drives ratings, and women are simply falling into the trap of trying to fit that role. We don’t have young women looking up to the older paragons of decorum and class, since those women only get a few moments of screen time, while the loud mouth and obnoxious women of these pretend reality shows, get prime time.

Teenage girls smokingTake a long look at the behavior of girls and young women. It is both fascinating as it is scary, to see some of us interact with each other. Women are becoming really mean-spirited when it comes to other women. We have always been very competitive, but now girls are competitive for no reason at all. We have girls in elementary school bullying, and treating other little girls like they are trash. teen_talk_depresssion_emo_cutting_02_jpg_70331Girls in middle school that are sexually active, and girls in high school that are so emotionally battered, they have no idea who they are. The level of indifference to the plight of other women,  is really shocking to me as a woman and human being. I don’t understand the degrees of hatred, that can cause young girls and boys of as young as nine or ten to commit suicide or cut themselves, after being bullied, but that is becoming the norm.

Young women are emulating what they see, and not just their environment. These girls may come from what we would consider perfect homes, but they are so full of anger for reasons that even they don’t understand. I like so many others, have seen this change and attribute it to the images they are being subjected to, lack of identity, and desire to fit in. Girls see women that act like wenches get their own reality shows and become famous for being bad. They see a woman become famous for sleeping with different men and think that it is normal.smallparn If you were a young girl would you seek to be like her because you want to be famous or would you be individual enough to understand that behavior is not the way to go? A lot of us can’t answer that question because we are doing exactly what those girls are doing. We are mimicking what we see.

If children start believing they have no value, why would they try to listen to any adult? If women are resenting the roles of mother and men are ignoring the role of fathers where does that leave the children? How does that affect the way they see and value themselves? sista sadHow do some kids reconcile with the fact that their mother is only 15 years older than them? Or that mom is actually in the club more than you are? Or dad is messing around and, has a baby by, a girl that you went to school with? How did the roles of parents become affected by the changes in men and women? The children are the one constant, since when did they become casualties of war?’

strong-women Parenting is not easy. There is no sure-fire way to guarantee your child will grow up perfect. The only thing that parents can do is be a stable guide to our charges while they are in our protection.  I am sure it may have been easier to get along with your child if they treated you like an equal and not like the next thing to God in their world but having a leader to look upon for guidance is imperative to survival for children. As a parent how can you lead if you are afraid to rock the boat and assert authority?  If you listen to the mouths of the media and the negativity you see around you, it is easy to assume that this generation is lost. I refuse to believe that. We can all change if we choose to and are shown the way. Realizing this I thought of a tentative answer to this war. The solution is the person in your mirror. Teach by example. Guide by your actions. Show the next generation what it means to dream and achieve. Be a parent, teacher, guardian before being a friend. Turn off all other distractions for your child and watch her blossom. selah2-1

Why Sistah Why?

download (30)Why Sistah? Why?

Why do you refuse to see your value?

Your beauty? … Your crown?….

Why do you look to a flat screen instead of a mirror to see you?

Why do you not have your own identity?

Why must you see other queens as competition instead of sister?

Why is it ok to be scandalous but embarrassing to stand by your man?

Why Sistah why?images (68)

Why do you cry, in the dark, hating who you are, because you fail to measure up to some fake image of perfection?

Why do you hide behind makeup, false lashes and weave? Your hair is beautiful, your eyes are too.

Why do you allow yourself to be seen as nothing more than a pair of boobs, a big butt and a baby maker?

Why Sistah why?

Why is it ok that Sistahs are seen as loud mouthed, brash and unintelligent by the media, and some of us are stupid enough to think it is funny or doesn’t matter?

Why Sistah why?blackwomen_b

Why do you choose to fight each other over a man that belongs to neither of you?

Why do you allow yourselves to have so many children out of wedlock, and yet call the man you are shacking with ‘Hubby’?

Why don’t you want more? Why don’t you demand more?

Why Sistah why?

Why do you not read books, but you will read Facebook, Instagram or twitter?

Why is it OK to be called a ‘Bitch’ as long as the word ‘Bad’ is placed in front of it? You’re not a beast so why liken yourself to one?

Why do we call other Sistahs that are not following a stereotype, Bougie or ‘not black enough’?

How black is ‘Black’ enough’?

Why is it ok to be labeled a baby mama and not a mother?

Why? Why? Why?….

Why Daughter why?teenage-girl-475

Why baby girl do you not know who you are?

Why do you hate the image in your mirror?

Why are you becoming a young woman that is so full of confusion, and despair?

Why Daughter why?……

Answer…

I am who I am, and learned what I do from watching you. I am a reflection of you. Why Mother Why,… did you not see this sooner?feeling low

Let Her Be A Girl Before You Make Her A Woman!…

little tramp stampEarlier this week I posted a piece discussing the disturbingly horrific ways that our young girls are being seen as sexual beings before they have even hit puberty. The responses I got back were mixed. On the one hand, I met with a lot of support from different mothers and fathers but I did meet quite a few that assumed I had crossed the line. The uncomfortable fact is that in today’s super sexed society, everything we see and view in the media has been carnally charged at some point. How this affects the next generation is up to you to decide. On any given day if you ask me how many kids I have the number may change. That is because I consider every child, my family at some point. I am that neighborhood mom that will take in anyone. I have also been known to discipline my close friends and family’s kids.madea meme Extra chores, timeouts, taken toys, and yes even the occasional spankings were common in my home. I like so many of you, took my role as parent serious enough that it extended to all of those under my roof or presence. I say all this because although I only have two biological sons, I have daughters too.

As a young girl, I was molested. It started when I was 12 and continued for years after that. I internalized that pain and still tried to go on like nothing happened. Grown men around me took notice of my blossoming body before I knew what having a body meant.little-girl-crying I remember how horrible that made me feel. My torment did not end at home. When I was 13 my first summer job was cleaning apartments. The manager took me into one f the bedrooms and asked me to have sex with him. I refused and ran home crying and told my mother. He lied to her when she called and said that he was only testing me. No police were called and the memory of that moment and my torment at home destroyed my self-image.  I was ashamed of my body and yet I wanted to be a young girl like everyone else. I wasn’t allowed that luxury and for years I struggled because of it.  This is the reason I am so concerned by the way that our daughters view themselves. This is why I ask that we all please join the fight to allow our daughters to be little girls first.

Sure we are a super sexed society… Sex does sell but our daughters are not FOR SALE. Stop allowing our daughters to buy into the sexy culture that is the now. Just because they make tube tops and hiphuggers for six-year olds doesn’t mean we should buy them.   One point of view was that pedophiles will look at our kids no matter what they wear. I thought about that for a moment. According to Child Lures Prevention,  “Approximately 400,000 convicted pedophiles currently reside in the United States, according to Department of Justice estimates.” This is only the number of convicted felons. What about the ones like my demons? Neither of the men that touched me as a kid were ever convicted.RAPE The fact remains, that some men and women may not view themselves as typical pedophiles, in my opinion. I am sure we have all heard people talking about how much more mature this or that child is than others. Is it that much of a stretch to assume that some people can be swayed or comforted in thinking that because young Jessica seems to be so mature, she can handle the sexual advances being turned her way? Because she is so mature, she can handle sex? Because she is so mature, she won’t be permanently scarred by her lack of childhood. Because it is just sex it is no big deal right?

BATTERED WOMANWhat if I told you that in the past two months,  I personally have talked to four girls in their teens to early 20s that were all either raped or molested at as early as 11? What if I told you that for three of them their mothers were aware of the abuse and turned a blind eye? What if I told you that they all were told that they looked or acted mature for their age? Do you see a pattern here? What about those little girls that are desensitized to sexuality because it is so common. Sure it is more comfortable to say that it is society’s fault or bad parenting. Guess what? We are SOCIETY. We are the PARENTS. Most of us are not bad parents only misguided. We have gotten not necessarily comfortable, with this new sexy culture but we accept it. We see our daughters twerking and don’t see it as bad, considering everyone is doing it. That is where I start to get Uncomfortable. If everyone is doing it, does that make it any less sexy? This girl is popping and gyrating her hips in ways that are very sexually stimulating. Does this mean that based upon her age some men or women will not be swayed by the movements of her body?  Think so? Go to some of these middle  and high schools and see if you can guess the ages of some of the girls there. See how many girls are wearing high-heeled shoes and short skirts. How many girls are wearing shirts that show their midriff . How many have body piercings or tattoos ?images (96)  While living in Florida, I went to pick my son up from school and this girl was being sent home for showing her shoulders. Surprisingly, over half the girls in the school had on shorts or skirts that left little to the imagination, but shoulders were too sexy to see.

Being the nosy mom of teen boys, I was appalled by the aggressiveness of some of the young ladies in my community. They would walk around wearing nearly nothing, or make sexual gestures or innuendos. Quotes-about-strong-womenI witnessed these girls walking the streets, and was shocked that even I could no longer tell which of them was actually of age. I cautioned my boys, more and more, on the dangers of unprotected sex, and prayed that they listened. I began asking girls why they dressed the way they did, only to find out in some cases she was imitating mom. If this is the way things have become how far will it go? Nothing against teen moms, but when will this be taboo again? It is not that these girls are bad.Far from it. They are simply babies with babies. Can we at least agree on that? Can we also do what we can now, to at least change the image of women, so that girls can again play with dolls and not try to be Barbie? Can we make her comfortable in her own skin, before she starts showing it to the world? girls for womenThe mantle of Maturity, should be earned, in my opinion, not implied.  Let her be young enough to make mistakes, but guide her to understand why mistakes happen. Teach her to be a young LADY. Understand, that it will not be easy to raise an individual little girl, but it is worth every bit. Sure we will have to contend with the media and the newest trends in clothing. Parenting is not meant to be fun all the time. The time is now to remember that. We are the PARENTS. We are the mature ones. We are the ones responsible for our children. We can not shift the blame to Society because WE ARE SOCIETY. Sometimes the only way to protect what you value most is to go back to the basics. We only get a chance to be young once, don’t let your angel’s childhood be filled with regret.