Why Sistah Why?

download (30)Why Sistah? Why?

Why do you refuse to see your value?

Your beauty? … Your crown?….

Why do you look to a flat screen instead of a mirror to see you?

Why do you not have your own identity?

Why must you see other queens as competition instead of sister?

Why is it ok to be scandalous but embarrassing to stand by your man?

Why Sistah why?images (68)

Why do you cry, in the dark, hating who you are, because you fail to measure up to some fake image of perfection?

Why do you hide behind makeup, false lashes and weave? Your hair is beautiful, your eyes are too.

Why do you allow yourself to be seen as nothing more than a pair of boobs, a big butt and a baby maker?

Why Sistah why?

Why is it ok that Sistahs are seen as loud mouthed, brash and unintelligent by the media, and some of us are stupid enough to think it is funny or doesn’t matter?

Why Sistah why?blackwomen_b

Why do you choose to fight each other over a man that belongs to neither of you?

Why do you allow yourselves to have so many children out of wedlock, and yet call the man you are shacking with ‘Hubby’?

Why don’t you want more? Why don’t you demand more?

Why Sistah why?

Why do you not read books, but you will read Facebook, Instagram or twitter?

Why is it OK to be called a ‘Bitch’ as long as the word ‘Bad’ is placed in front of it? You’re not a beast so why liken yourself to one?

Why do we call other Sistahs that are not following a stereotype, Bougie or ‘not black enough’?

How black is ‘Black’ enough’?

Why is it ok to be labeled a baby mama and not a mother?

Why? Why? Why?….

Why Daughter why?teenage-girl-475

Why baby girl do you not know who you are?

Why do you hate the image in your mirror?

Why are you becoming a young woman that is so full of confusion, and despair?

Why Daughter why?……

Answer…

I am who I am, and learned what I do from watching you. I am a reflection of you. Why Mother Why,… did you not see this sooner?feeling low

If Your Love is Hidden Is It Real?

images (92)On three different occasions yesterday I was asked what I thought about a woman who is a ‘Side Piece’. Did I think they were wrong or delusional? Did I believe that two people could fall in love and be married to others? Did I believe that the relationship could last? Did I believe in a non traditional love? Did I believe love can be hidden? All of these questions brought me back to the same question. “How do YOU see Love?” First off let me say this, I am not a relationship guru nor am I a therapist but I am an advocate for self-awareness and growth. I also strongly believe that love is NEVER to be hidden. A man or woman who is being unfaithful is not always doing so because they are unhappy in their homes. Some are simply greedy and wanting more. Sure it is easy to pretend to have an unhappy married life so that you can play on the emotions of another.images (94) In fact that is one of the prime excuses a lot of men and women use when seeking an unsuspecting prey for their debauchery. “I’m not happy in my marriage. (Wink, wink).” ; “I’m only staying because of the kids (ages 21 & 25).”

images (95)Whatever excuse that is being given, the fact still remains that this relationship that has you pining and crying late into the night is actually built on a lie. It is not real. The emotion you might feel for that person may be, but the relationship itself is only a figment of your imagination. I know that sounds rough and a lot of people may dispute it but be objective for a moment. Using the typical male/female dynamic lets say you meet a guy and you guys click. He may or may not tell you right away that he is married. Either way you start liking him a lot because you guys have so much in common. He begins to tell you that he is unhappily married to this harpy of a woman and miserableBSzBdkKIMAEhZhJ. Most of us would immediately start to feel saddened that this wonderful man that we see before us is being treated like crap at home. He uses this unhappy life ruse every time he wants to get with you. It is a play on your emotions. Don’t fall for it. What Mr. No Good has failed to tell you is that he and his bride are actually very happy and have two kids at home and one on the way. He is content with their life he is just being greedy and wanting a piece of pie on the side. RARELY is it ever a case of a bad marriage.

795bf6f6abe1f8162f307d65390f35c8Now let’s get to you or me. We are home most evenings watching shows like Scandal and playing games online waiting for a phone call or visit. We are so blinded by the forbidden love that we feel that when he does show up we don’t mind hiding or the fact that we can never be seen with each other. After all we don’t want to make things hard for our man right? He already has enough to deal with. He doesn’t need her getting wind of us and putting him on child support or blocking him from seeing the kids. All of these things we tell ourselves when we should be looking at something more important. What is it about me that I am willing to accept all of these excuses without question? I am not desperate or miserable. I am not a fool. I am not ignorant so why am I willfully blinding myself to the obvious? Is this love? I know that I claim to love him but do I also love me? Is this really worth it?

images (96)Each of those questions are the reason behind this post. Not the relationship but the reason why you are in it. How do you see love? If you see love as this fictional relationship from the movies or books then you are only seeing the created reality of a writer not the true reality that is life. Loving someone means being able to see yourself in their eyes. If you give your most precious gift of self to someone, don’t you want to have the same in return? How can you get that from someone who is already taken? The biggest mistake a lot of us make when we have these hidden relationships is imagine ourselves as the exception to the rule. We start to think that we are not like others and that the man or woman we love is not lying to us and will actually see us as the queens and kings that we are. download (14)We assume that the relationship that they are lacking with their current wife/husband will suddenly blossom once they are with us. Rarely is this ever true. Take off the rose-colored glasses. Start seeing this for what it is. This same rule applies to both women and men: If you have to remain a secret, then chances are you always will be. Stop assuming based upon a hope. I am not saying there is no such thing as non traditional love but that there is no such thing as a hidden love.

The greatescandal-memesst love of all is the love of self. This love should be so powerful that it makes you want to shout it from the rooftops. You should be jumping for joy at the thought of sharing it with someone truly worthy of you. Someone who values you just as much as you value them. That type of love can not be hidden and is the premise behind those romance novels. It is the idea behind all of the screenplays. If you want to romanticized love,  make sure you think in terms of real life situations. In other words instead of looking at Scandal and thinking  ‘Awww’, think of yourself and your reaction if it was you or your husband. Stop putting down the spouse and acting as if there is some competition for this person you both want. There isn’t! The funny thing is most women on the side are so busy hating the spouse that they fail to recognize that his wife or girlfriend may not have a clue they even exist.  If that man or woman wanted either of you he/she will make that decision not you. Stop trying to draw attention to yourself and be seen. Instead start stepping out and being seen by someone who only sees you.

Forgiving Me Because My Pain Doesn’t Define Me….

10255552_678360658877149_909292316099306892_nNearly every person alive has faced a trial or two and wondered if things would ever end. We have all had that moment however fleeting or long where we despair over whether or not we can make it through this one time.We survive every day but do we get past them? Are we able to truly deal with and put the trials behind us? Or are we simply placing band aids over broken legs? Meaning are we hiding from our problems by either ignoring or shoving the pain into a manageable corner? The truth is almost all of us chose to simply ignore the past.…. We ignore yesterday…  We assume that the test of time will make everything that we went through go away. That is simply not possible. Those of us that have suffered abuse are twice as likely in my opinion, to be the ones to choose to move beyond the pain that we suffered by simply forgetting it. A friend and I were talking the other day and she was discussing that there were several things in her childhood that brought her pain to think about. My response to her was to try to let that pain go. I am not saying that you have to forget what we have suffered only to remove the power that we give over to those memories. After all we can never go back in time and change them so the only thing we can do is move beyond it. The first steps are Acknowledgment and Forgiveness.10168156_673159756063906_1755916207_n

  • Acknowledgment: As hard as it is to admit our pain happened. Yes I was abused mentally, physically, or sexually. Yes I went through emotional torment… Yes I went through several things that I could not control…. I went through all of that and it was not my fault. None of my past DEFINES me at this moment in time. A part of getting to know the real you is looking at yourself with an objective eye. Not a critical one. Looking to your past does not mean you are accepting blame only that you are accepting that something happened. Unless your name is Marty McFly there is no way to go back and change that fact so rip off that band-aid and break out the tissue paper. Sure we may cry and feel hurt by memories but that is normal. Feel that pain. Accept it and let it go. It should no longer haunt you to the point where it shapes you.
  • download (13)Forgiveness: Everyone always see this word and immediately assume that to forgive means to forget or to admit defeat. Forgiveness means none of those things. It simply is a way of you not losing but REGAINING your strength. By forgiving those that hurt you, you are saying ‘You have no more power over me.’ … You hold all the control over your emotions. You also have to remember that the most important person to forgive is the person in your mirror. You would be surprised how freeing it is to look to self and declare that I Forgive ME. Even though we may know beyond a doubt that we did nothing wrong, most of us still unconsciously feel like we did.images (69)

So why do I need to Acknowledge and Forgive? What does that have to do with going through and getting past anything?… Have you ever wondered why sometimes a few of us have a tendency to self sabotage. We may unconsciously always seem to pick the wrong person to fall in love with, we may pick the wrong jobs, or friends. We may even choose to push everyone away because we just want to be alone. All of those things we may be going through NOW. Today. Not yesterday… We are struggling today. What does our past have to do with it?…. Well it has everything to do with it. Using our failed loves as an example if you have never learned to value yourself then it is not much of a stretch that we may end up in a codependent relationship with someone who we give control over how we think or see ourselves.10007245_676286422417906_1721310549_n

At some point in time we lost ourselves. Where? When? We can never find the answer to those questions unless we delve deep into our history. For some of us it is like willingly sticking our hand into a nest of fire ants. We know it will hurt and we will feel that pain for a while to come but we must do it anyway. We really have no choice. We must learn the lesson that the past is meant to teach us. We have to understand the whys in our lives. There is no way to actually grow beyond the past if we don’t understand how or why something happens or keeps happening. Going back to the above example what if the reason we choose badly is because we were hurt in the past so we are choosing those few people that we know are really toxic to us because we believe we can’t do better? We may choose the first man or woman coming because we are too afraid of holding out for better. Because we have never experienced love in our past we may develop a codependent relationship with a fictional lover. What I mean by that is we are in love with the image of someone and seek that in everyone that we date.

images (67)Looking objectively at the person in the mirror. The common denominator in a lot of our issues is US. Removing the emotional ramifications of that revelation look at what we are doing and try to break the cycles if there are any present.  Looking at myself I kept falling for narcissistic men because I tied my self-worth into pleasing. To me a strong-willed and self-assured man meant that he was strong. I did not notice until too late that neither of the men that I loved actually cared about the way that I was being treated or felt. I put up with abusive behavior because I had no sense of self value. I did not recognize my identity because I did not yet have one. And to be honest I never saw it as a problem. I like so many others always laid the blame for my pain at the hands of the man I chose instead of looking at my own accountability.images (72)Only after really taking a step outside of myself did I begin to look at my past and recognize a pattern. Going deeper into me I saw that the ultimate reason was my lack of identity which was hampered by my past. I eventually learned to forgive my abusers as well as myself and in doing so I learned to place value back in me. I took back control over my memories. They no longer hurt me. I learned to forgive myself for being me. I forgave my penchant for willingly choosing the wrong men. I forgave me for not LOVING ME. Once I did that I was able to look at life through clearer eyes. I know that I am not perfect but I no longer see myself making that same mistake again. I learned the lesson that my past was teaching me. You can do the same.

Your Inner Circle…. NOT Necessarily A Circle…

32102_20121029_050518_315615_155556964538198_111129862314242_283008_429989077_nDepression is horrible enough without the added insult of others. Sometimes the people closest to you are the ones poisoning the air you breath. People have a tendency to forget that just because a person wears the label friend, that doesn’t mean they are your friend. In other words before saying that life sucks make sure that you check the circle of people around you first to make sure it is not that you are surrounded by a bunch of toxic individuals or if we are the toxic ones…. We all desire to be loved and that is a great thing. We need and crave that in our lives. But don’t be so blinded by the desire for love and acceptance that you find yourself feeling like you don’t matter. You might see yourself as an outsider that doesn’t quite fit in. The loner that is always hurting or the friend that is always there for everyone else but no one cares about.1795500_687332761309123_11995162_n

People can be selfish. This includes the ones we love like family as well as those related by blood. There are no exemptions. Most of us are so single-minded that we can look at ourselves in the mirror on a daily basis and tell ourselves that we are truly good people and yet we treat others as if they don’t matter. We don’t notice that slight until it happens to us. We don’t see that we are just as guilty as the rest of the world. We see only the things that we want or we wear rose-tinted glasses and see only the good that we do. We overlook the bad. We overlook the arrogance and ignorance that we ooze out of every pore. We allow our own insecurities and control issues to cause us to act in different ways that are not beneficial to anyone but the person in the mirror and then wonder why the world shuns us.

images (8)Understanding people and being a good person means stepping outside of your own mirror for a second and trying to put yourself in the other persons shoes. Sure you may have gone through similar issues than them but that doesn’t make you better. It should color the way that you treat them however. Instead of tuning up your nose, I suggest you remember that just as you came up you can also be brought down harder than you can ever imagine. Karma is truly a beast. She does not care if you have a thousand degrees, claim to have a heart of gold or are simply skating through life with butter shoes. I continually talk about being a good person and not simply saying that I am one. I say this because I genuinely believe that I am a good person. I assumed that because I try to see the good in people that would make them good. I believed in loving everyone. I did not see myself hating another person even though they may have done me false. I still worry and try to love them with the open heart of a friend. I began to wonder why if I loved the world did the world not love me back? I began to see that people for all of their posturing are really not as good as they claim.IMG_11552626953112

My heart would break all of the time, because I felt so alone even though I was surrounded by people. I was in a one-sided relationship with the world around me. I loved them and they loved themselves. For all of my professions of love and understanding in the lives of those closest to me I realized I did not have the same meaning in theirs. I was not as important to them. I would go out of my way trying to not hurt their feelings while they did nothing to spare mine. The term friendship to most of us is a loose term just like the word good. We pretend to be friends but we are actually simply holding the door for others to exit our world. I found out the hard way that my inner circle even though it was very small was actually not even close to being a circle. It was more of a squiggly line of dots with me in the center trying hard to survive. I felt alone because I was alone.

IMG_81699196655347But there is light at the end of the tunnel. It may seem hard at first but like me you can hopefully understand that you don’t have to be alone in a room full of people. You can be alive in one. You do NOT have to simply fade into the wallpaper.You am not invisible. Refuse to not be seen. Refuse to accept being unheard. A woman once said to me that “If you have to dumb down to be friends, then you just need better friends.” I realize the truth in that statement now. I deserve better friends and so do you. Stop settling for the adage that life sucks… No life doesn’t really suck maybe the people we know do. Stand up and fight this one battle. Depression is hard enough. Some things we can not do to change that but this is one that we all can. Stop allowing others to run roughshod over your emotions. Start speaking up. If a person is really your friend then they will hear and understand and if they don’t then oh well. Open the door to your heart and politely show them the way out of it.1394794_623290497713350_1504712568_n

Losing Yourself In Him…

download (1)I talk to a lot of women and men daily and several people come to me because they feel lost in their relationship. They don’t feel as if they have a place or a role. They feel saddened or empty and they don’t know why. I understand that feeling because I was at that point not too long ago. Like myself there are several of us that get love confused and in the name of love we tend to lose sight of the person in the mirror. We become so wrapped up in the wants and desires of another that we fail to see them for the person that they are. We lose the ability to see ourselves completely and seek only to please. Does that mean that we are desperate? images (1)Not really but we are craving emotion and companionship so badly that we have become obsessive over it. Its not desperation that drives us to be the proverbial appendage to the men and women in our lives but the obsessed desire that we have for something more.

The fear of being alone. The desire for security in family. The need to belong. Those are all factors in why I chose to give myself over to my man. It’s true as well that I  did not want to be lonely. I wasn’t desperate. In truth I could have been with a number of guys but I chose him. And more importantly to me he chose me. He wanted to be with me. It wasn’t until I had hit rock bottom that I realized that my life was no longer my own. All of the things that I had hoped and aspired for were no longer a part of my world. I was so worried about not being alone that I failed to see that I already was. My relationship was a one sided affair that I was the only one giving. I realized in that moment that it wasn’t him that was my problem…. It was ME. I willingly gave ME away. I walked away from myself because of the way that I saw love.images (2) I assumed that the fantasy that I saw on television or in the media would one day be mine if I just held on. I had this romanticized view of love that was as fictional as any writer could conjure. I saw love as this fantasy that is nothing short of the old Harlequin romance novels I used to read as a teen. I like so many other women had such a mixed up view of love that I did not see the signs that my love was not like that nor would it ever be.images (3)

Women and men get bamboozled daily by  images of what we see is a perfect love in the media. We see it and crave it. Sadly most of us do not even think about the caliber of the person that we fall in love with we just want that kind of love.
Some of us try to buy that affection by giving financially or sexually. We assume that if we give enough then the person that we desire will eventually love us to the same degree that we do them. We give and give until eventually there is nothing of us left. Then we find ourselves really alone and wondering how or what happened. We did all the right things right? We were good to the other person so why did they leave? What about if the other person is not exactly the man or woman that we desire right now? We can change them right? Once they realize how wonderful we are they will have no choice but to change to keep from losing us right?WRONG!download (2)

Trying to change another person is like beating your head against a brick wall in the hopes that it will move. Sure the wall may crack over time but it will never fall unless there are other factors involved. The only thing you will do is end up with permanent damage to your brain and skull. You in essence are hurting yourself. We can not change another person. They have to change themselves and if you are constantly giving and giving them everything that they want why would they need to? If a guy for instance can still get his girl to buy him everything he desires and still treat him like a king, why would be need to stop being a butt to her? Why would he be faithful if she has constantly turned a blind eye in the past? Imagine a woman that is forever using a guy for his money or the things that he can give her, why would she try to suddenly be this adoring wife if because she is beautiful and he loves her, she can do what she wants and he says or does nothing? If every conversation that you have revolves around what the other person wants then you are creating a scenario where you are the pawn on your own chessboard.

downloadLove is funny. To love someone is to open the door to a thousand levels of pain at times but no matter the cost we should always retain control. Don’t lose sight of you. Don’t devalue yourself until you are nothing more than an asset and not companion to the man or woman in your life. You don’t have to buy affection. Money will only buy you a fake love. Sex is NOT emotion. It is not a fair trade for feelings. That is just the chemical reactions between two bodies. Just because it feels good doesn’t mean its love. Don’t fool yourself into comparing your love to the simulated ones we see in the media or in the lives of friends and families. Before you can love someone else you must first learn to love yourself. Once you do that. You will start to see the things that you do not want or will put up with. You will see your boundaries and gain respect from potential mates. To be with the stronger more confident you they will understand that there are two choices they can either CHOOSE to change themselves or leave you in peace.images (6)

I’m Worth More…

quote-Mahatma-Gandhi-all-compromise-is-based-on-give-and-998More… In life we all want more of something, so it should not be a stretch to admit to wanting more out of your own life…. To wanting more out of your relationship… To wanting more out of your job or even family. That desire for more can be your catalyst to do More.  Unfortunately some of us get so bogged down by insecurity and doubt that we don’t think we can have or deserve it. images (19)We sell ourselves short constantly by settling for something that is only satisfying for the moment. In other words instead of ordering a steak dinner we buy a bag of chips and walk away hungry. One of the prime areas that we are all guilty of doing this is in our relationships. Most of us operate under the guise of compromise. We just try to get along. We remain silent because its better to agree than risk it all by speaking out.

true-love-quotes-009Compromise is good if the situation is mutually beneficial to all parties involved. It is not good if you are compromising and the person left out is the main person that has to deal with your choice. YOU.  We have all been guilty of sacrificing ourself for another. That is a noble gesture but at what point is your sacrifice too much for YOU. In abusive relationships, compromise is one of the biggest justification for staying in a bad situation. We tell ourselves that the ‘Devil we know, is better than the one we don’t’. We make excuses for why he/she did what they did. We change the way that we act, think or dress in an attempt to try to please our abusers. We make concessions on things that used to bring us joy, sometimes to the point of giving everything up. Why? Is this our compromise?

Some of us have internal arguments with ourselves and tell ourselves lies, like ‘We will never find another person to love us’; ‘I am too hard to deal with, no other man or woman will put up with me.’ ; ‘I deserve what is happening because I messed up.’crying-boy04_large The subject of worth came to me after my last post. I could not stop thinking about the way that some women and men don’t place enough value in themselves. They don’t take offense to the things that they should because they have LEARNED to desensitize themselves to their own plight. Walking in our journey through life it is Extremely important to have a healthy dose of personal indignation. Get mad. Get angry. Recognize and voice the things that you really do NOT want to compromise on. The same way that you would stand up for yourself to a person hurting you in the street carry that same sense of self-preservation at home. Start saying NO! Fight back mentally. Reclaim your control.

download (3)Demand MORE! You deserve to be treated with the same measure of respect that you give others. You deserve to have a voice in things that affect you. You deserve to be given the chance to say NO to the things that you choose. You deserve to not be emotionally battered. You deserve to NOT be physically harmed. It does not matter what you think you have to atone for in the past. No one deserves to be treated horribly. You deserve to be happy. Your past is your PAST! You can’t relive it. Even if it is something that you feel that you should be ashamed of, try hard to stop. Forgive yourself and try to continue to move forward. Your past then can not be used as a battering ram by someone trying to make you feel bad. Who cares if you used to work at a strip club, it was a job. It doesn’t affect your character. Who cares if you have a long line of bad relationships, that may simply mean that you haven’t found yourself yet and have made some poor choices. As you grow, you have to make a conscious decision to break the hold of the past.

Quotation-Janis-Joplin-yourself-compromise-wisdom-Meetville-Quotes-96350Demand More from yourself! Stop allowing yourself to give in to that false sense of comfort. If you were truly comfortable and happy you wouldn’t be pining for MORE. That empty feeling in the pit of your stomach. That hole that needs to be filled but you don’t know with what. That desire to have better. That knowledge that this is not really what you want. Listen to it. Get angry. You don’t have to stay in that abusive relationship. You can find someone new. Stop making excuses. Even if you have never been physically abused, emotional abuse is just as horrid. The ‘Devil you know ‘, can truly be a demon if you don’t do something to change it. the first step is valuing yourself enough to know that you deserve more.  Excuses and false compromises need to become a thing of the past. Be accountable to yourself. Understand that it won’t be easy and the way may not always seem clear but it is worth it. You are worth more than you give yourself credit for. You are a diamond in disguise. A gem in a room full of stones where you will remain until you start recognizing your own shine. You deserve MORE… Claim it. o-QUOTE-facebook

When Love Hurts, Is It Worth It?… To YOU?

quotes,love,quote,hurt,truthful,cute-0b0ec6f5093d184ed2f5e7f4d70c2365_hHow does your love feel?… Love can be bittersweet. It can be painful, and can make you want to completely lose it sometimes but it should not hurt. This post is not one about the romantic kind of love but the kind of love that is really not love at all. Obsession, delusion, emotional and physical abuse , psychotic behavior & mental warfare.…all of these things several of us confuse with an excess of emotion. That is far from the truth. Love can make you compose a poem or a song declaring your feelings. That is the normal kind of love. Love does NOT mean stalking a person that has chosen to end a relationship. It does not mean tearing down another being. Love is NOT about possession but is freely given.  To say that you love another means that you will want to do everything in your power to make sure that the person you love is cherished above all others. It means that you have made a mutual commitment to each other for however long fate decides. Every single person alive on this earth, wants to have that soul mate to share their world with. They want to have that person there that will be there through all of the successes, and hold out a hand when we fall. This month more than ever that feeling is intensified. Being February the first thing on every woman’s mind is Feb 14th…Valentine’s day. The one day every year everyone is supposed to have a mate beside them declaring expressions of love and romance.  By the time Feb 7th rolls around most of us are feeling a little anxious and may overlook that which we need to pay close attention to.We start forgiving behavior that should not be forgiven because we don’t want to be alone. Some of this bad behavior can be deadly. And not just a physical death but a spiritual one as well.

own-detrimentLove is not a valid reason for staying where you are. It is not a reason but it is an excuse. Abuse kills the soul. Understand I have been where a lot of women are and it was not a fun time in my life. I understand the fear of being alone because I felt it.  I understand how it feels to want to place so little value in self that we try to rationalize the trauma we face because we assume we can’t do better. Or maybe we are so IN LOVE with the person in our lives that we blind ourselves to the fact that they don’t feel the same. We allow them to treat us like we are worthless because our OBSESSION for them will settle for anything so long as we have them beside us. quotes-22I am NOT a fan of reality shows however a friend of mine was talking about a show where  one of the contestants had two women with whom he stated he did NOT love either of them but he had love FOR them. He then admitted that he was not going to change his womanizing ways so both women should deal with it. He added to his live in girlfriend that he would NEVER be serious about her since she used to be a stripper. …. I have several problems with this, one because it is truly a common occurrence for women. One that doesn’t cause many to bat an eye.images (30) I even saw a little of myself in that situation. My love was extremely good-looking and everything I had dreamed of in a man but he was also NOT a good one. He wasn’t a DOG but he wasn’t the man for me. That didn’t stop me from trying to hold onto him though. Even after he tried to push me away I wouldn’t go. I was like the girl on that show. I was disillusioning myself.

The other thing that really bugged me aside from seeing myself was that neither woman seemed to be upset. Even when he stated that because she was a former stripper, that somehow made her less than worthy to be taken seriously, his girlfriend did not react. What could keep both of these women tied to this man? Surely that is not LOVE. It was far from it. It is Not OK to allow yourself to be treated the way they are allowing themselves to be treated. It is NOT OK to keep being someone’s emotional punching bag. That brings me to the most dangerous LOVE of all the one that causes a person to forget all about self-preservation. LOVE does NOT HIT.man20and20woman20fighting Everyday there is a new story on IDtv’s ‘SNAPPED‘. Every day there is a post uploaded to Facebook, Twitter or Instagram that shows men and women fighting. The fights are being filmed by people as if they are funny or cute and it is disturbing on so many levels…. When did we become so desensitized to violence against women in particular that grown men can stand by and watch another man beating his wife? When did we as women start to feel that it is ok to be hit? When did some of us become so warped to it that we as women, feel that to challenge a man is to be strong? Why are we using our fists more and more in the name of LOVE? What has changed in our lives that violence is seen as so normal that we would rather watch and film before we will intervene with a man literally throwing a woman around the room and slamming her to the ground until she passed out? I saw this in a video on a friend’s Facebook wall and I read the responses of outrage from different people but the audio from the film were of people edging on the fight and laughing. One guy restrained another female that was going to assist the fallen woman.  Everyone in the video looked to be in the mid 20s or younger. Is this what our youth are now doing? Dear Lord, what can we do to change it? My first thought when I saw that atrocity was ” Help her God.” I prayed that she was not seriously injured by the attack and that it taught her a lesson about the man she was with and her friends. Sadly I honestly believed it did not. More than likely she is went back with him a few hours later after things settled down some. images (32)

We have young men and women  becoming stalkers because they are confusing it with love. They are not seeing their behavior as wrong because honestly they are almost emulating exactly what they see on the television. Love is about trust and honesty not possession. I can love you because I trust you . If I trust you I can let you be the person that you are. I don’t need to keep constant tabs on you. I don’t need to smother you. I don’t need to have you as my mouse in a trap. I trust that you love me enough to do right by me. You should be able to trust me the same. I love you enough to not make you do what you do not want to do. images (34)LOVE IS NOT ABUSIVE. But ABUSE can fool you into thinking it is LOVE. Obsession is not healthy. Physical and emotional abuse is like an addictive drug. It is just as caustic as crack. It kills your hope for the future. Don’t keep allowing yourself to be a doormat. It is not ok for anyone male or female to lay hands on you. IT IS NOT OK TO WATCH! It is not OK to simply turn a blind eye. You never know when the next person on film may be someone you know. Maybe your mother, sister, cousin or friend. Instead of simply watching the videos that these cretins post online report them. Start reporting each and every person that you see in them. We need to stop allowing garbage like that video to be seen so freely. Think about your own love…. How does it feel? If you are in a situation like where I was, a one-sided love affair because you are afraid to lose what you already Don’t have, think long and hard about maybe walking away. If your Love is like crack and has you doing things that are dangerous to your health and future, it may not be a true representation of love but your own obsessions clouding your judgement. If your love HITS, then regardless if it is real or not please think of self-preservation first. ‘Til death do us part ‘ is meant to be after a long relationship where we grow old together. It does not mean death tomorrow because we beat each other to death. images (37)

The National Domestic violence has a website you can use for help 24hours a day if needed. http://www.thehotline.org/  1-800-799-7233. Don’t wait too long to save your life.