On three different occasions yesterday I was asked what I thought about a woman who is a ‘Side Piece’. Did I think they were wrong or delusional? Did I believe that two people could fall in love and be married to others? Did I believe that the relationship could last? Did I believe in a non traditional love? Did I believe love can be hidden? All of these questions brought me back to the same question. “How do YOU see Love?” First off let me say this, I am not a relationship guru nor am I a therapist but I am an advocate for self-awareness and growth. I also strongly believe that love is NEVER to be hidden. A man or woman who is being unfaithful is not always doing so because they are unhappy in their homes. Some are simply greedy and wanting more. Sure it is easy to pretend to have an unhappy married life so that you can play on the emotions of another. In fact that is one of the prime excuses a lot of men and women use when seeking an unsuspecting prey for their debauchery. “I’m not happy in my marriage. (Wink, wink).” ; “I’m only staying because of the kids (ages 21 & 25).”
Whatever excuse that is being given, the fact still remains that this relationship that has you pining and crying late into the night is actually built on a lie. It is not real. The emotion you might feel for that person may be, but the relationship itself is only a figment of your imagination. I know that sounds rough and a lot of people may dispute it but be objective for a moment. Using the typical male/female dynamic lets say you meet a guy and you guys click. He may or may not tell you right away that he is married. Either way you start liking him a lot because you guys have so much in common. He begins to tell you that he is unhappily married to this harpy of a woman and miserable. Most of us would immediately start to feel saddened that this wonderful man that we see before us is being treated like crap at home. He uses this unhappy life ruse every time he wants to get with you. It is a play on your emotions. Don’t fall for it. What Mr. No Good has failed to tell you is that he and his bride are actually very happy and have two kids at home and one on the way. He is content with their life he is just being greedy and wanting a piece of pie on the side. RARELY is it ever a case of a bad marriage.
Now let’s get to you or me. We are home most evenings watching shows like Scandal and playing games online waiting for a phone call or visit. We are so blinded by the forbidden love that we feel that when he does show up we don’t mind hiding or the fact that we can never be seen with each other. After all we don’t want to make things hard for our man right? He already has enough to deal with. He doesn’t need her getting wind of us and putting him on child support or blocking him from seeing the kids. All of these things we tell ourselves when we should be looking at something more important. What is it about me that I am willing to accept all of these excuses without question? I am not desperate or miserable. I am not a fool. I am not ignorant so why am I willfully blinding myself to the obvious? Is this love? I know that I claim to love him but do I also love me? Is this really worth it?
Each of those questions are the reason behind this post. Not the relationship but the reason why you are in it. How do you see love? If you see love as this fictional relationship from the movies or books then you are only seeing the created reality of a writer not the true reality that is life. Loving someone means being able to see yourself in their eyes. If you give your most precious gift of self to someone, don’t you want to have the same in return? How can you get that from someone who is already taken? The biggest mistake a lot of us make when we have these hidden relationships is imagine ourselves as the exception to the rule. We start to think that we are not like others and that the man or woman we love is not lying to us and will actually see us as the queens and kings that we are. We assume that the relationship that they are lacking with their current wife/husband will suddenly blossom once they are with us. Rarely is this ever true. Take off the rose-colored glasses. Start seeing this for what it is. This same rule applies to both women and men: If you have to remain a secret, then chances are you always will be. Stop assuming based upon a hope. I am not saying there is no such thing as non traditional love but that there is no such thing as a hidden love.
The greatest love of all is the love of self. This love should be so powerful that it makes you want to shout it from the rooftops. You should be jumping for joy at the thought of sharing it with someone truly worthy of you. Someone who values you just as much as you value them. That type of love can not be hidden and is the premise behind those romance novels. It is the idea behind all of the screenplays. If you want to romanticized love, make sure you think in terms of real life situations. In other words instead of looking at Scandal and thinking ‘Awww’, think of yourself and your reaction if it was you or your husband. Stop putting down the spouse and acting as if there is some competition for this person you both want. There isn’t! The funny thing is most women on the side are so busy hating the spouse that they fail to recognize that his wife or girlfriend may not have a clue they even exist. If that man or woman wanted either of you he/she will make that decision not you. Stop trying to draw attention to yourself and be seen. Instead start stepping out and being seen by someone who only sees you.