I talk to a lot of women and men daily and several people come to me because they feel lost in their relationship. They don’t feel as if they have a place or a role. They feel saddened or empty and they don’t know why. I understand that feeling because I was at that point not too long ago. Like myself there are several of us that get love confused and in the name of love we tend to lose sight of the person in the mirror. We become so wrapped up in the wants and desires of another that we fail to see them for the person that they are. We lose the ability to see ourselves completely and seek only to please. Does that mean that we are desperate? Not really but we are craving emotion and companionship so badly that we have become obsessive over it. Its not desperation that drives us to be the proverbial appendage to the men and women in our lives but the obsessed desire that we have for something more.
The fear of being alone. The desire for security in family. The need to belong. Those are all factors in why I chose to give myself over to my man. It’s true as well that I did not want to be lonely. I wasn’t desperate. In truth I could have been with a number of guys but I chose him. And more importantly to me he chose me. He wanted to be with me. It wasn’t until I had hit rock bottom that I realized that my life was no longer my own. All of the things that I had hoped and aspired for were no longer a part of my world. I was so worried about not being alone that I failed to see that I already was. My relationship was a one sided affair that I was the only one giving. I realized in that moment that it wasn’t him that was my problem…. It was ME. I willingly gave ME away. I walked away from myself because of the way that I saw love. I assumed that the fantasy that I saw on television or in the media would one day be mine if I just held on. I had this romanticized view of love that was as fictional as any writer could conjure. I saw love as this fantasy that is nothing short of the old Harlequin romance novels I used to read as a teen. I like so many other women had such a mixed up view of love that I did not see the signs that my love was not like that nor would it ever be.
Women and men get bamboozled daily by images of what we see is a perfect love in the media. We see it and crave it. Sadly most of us do not even think about the caliber of the person that we fall in love with we just want that kind of love.
Some of us try to buy that affection by giving financially or sexually. We assume that if we give enough then the person that we desire will eventually love us to the same degree that we do them. We give and give until eventually there is nothing of us left. Then we find ourselves really alone and wondering how or what happened. We did all the right things right? We were good to the other person so why did they leave? What about if the other person is not exactly the man or woman that we desire right now? We can change them right? Once they realize how wonderful we are they will have no choice but to change to keep from losing us right?WRONG!
Trying to change another person is like beating your head against a brick wall in the hopes that it will move. Sure the wall may crack over time but it will never fall unless there are other factors involved. The only thing you will do is end up with permanent damage to your brain and skull. You in essence are hurting yourself. We can not change another person. They have to change themselves and if you are constantly giving and giving them everything that they want why would they need to? If a guy for instance can still get his girl to buy him everything he desires and still treat him like a king, why would be need to stop being a butt to her? Why would he be faithful if she has constantly turned a blind eye in the past? Imagine a woman that is forever using a guy for his money or the things that he can give her, why would she try to suddenly be this adoring wife if because she is beautiful and he loves her, she can do what she wants and he says or does nothing? If every conversation that you have revolves around what the other person wants then you are creating a scenario where you are the pawn on your own chessboard.
Love is funny. To love someone is to open the door to a thousand levels of pain at times but no matter the cost we should always retain control. Don’t lose sight of you. Don’t devalue yourself until you are nothing more than an asset and not companion to the man or woman in your life. You don’t have to buy affection. Money will only buy you a fake love. Sex is NOT emotion. It is not a fair trade for feelings. That is just the chemical reactions between two bodies. Just because it feels good doesn’t mean its love. Don’t fool yourself into comparing your love to the simulated ones we see in the media or in the lives of friends and families. Before you can love someone else you must first learn to love yourself. Once you do that. You will start to see the things that you do not want or will put up with. You will see your boundaries and gain respect from potential mates. To be with the stronger more confident you they will understand that there are two choices they can either CHOOSE to change themselves or leave you in peace.