A Cry For Help… Suicide Should Not Be Used As A Threat….

images (15)Have you ever met someone who was so lonely or upset that they go to extremes to get attention. Sometimes it is a cry for help and others its simply because they just are bored. When is that cry for help truly real and what should we do? I get calls all the time from friends and relatives in crisis. Because I listen, they sometimes look to me to be that voice of reason and support. I truly don’t mind it since listening and caring is my gift. However the concern for me is those few that seek attention by  going to extremes. This is the reason behind this post. Are you a ‘Attention Seeker’ ? Are you crying out for help or are you crying wolf? Why?images (18)

Understand that there is nothing wrong with wanting to be noticed. It is natural to want to be seen and cared for by the people in your life. It is OK to want to be heard. It is natural to feel so overwhelmed that you want to scream. Sometimes the best thing that you can do is seek the company and comfort of others. But what if there is no one there to listen? What if you have burned all of the bridges in with family and friends? Who will be there in your time of need? You might feel so alone that you start to think like a desperate person. You start wondering who do I turn to? Who will hear the sorrow wailing within my heart? Who will be my friend and confidant? We wonder all of that and then when the moment arises we seek to get attention in some of the worst ways.

images (14)As children we may have sought attention by being disobedient or acting out. Now as an adult you would think we have grown beyond the acting out phase, well what if we haven’t grown past the mindset of our childhood? Unconsciously we may still be that little kid that is looking for mom or dad’s love. Unfortunately because we are adults our way of acting out however goes beyond the flunking out in class. Because we are grown we start to feel that desperation on a deeper level. As kids people have to care about you right? However as an adult you are supposed to care about yourself…..So if you do not have a personal VALUE in SELF, how can you care about the person in the mirror and how could anyone else care for you?

I say all of this because the true issue with a lot of us is the fact that we do not have our own Personal Value. We assume that we are worthless and unworthy of attention by any other means besides the drastic. We create drama by doing silly stunts…. Causing a fight, gossiping, lying, cheating and etc. For a lot of us that goes to a level that is beyond just simply being sad, we seek to do harm to ourselves. We kid ourselves into thinking that if we were to leave this earth and to be gone from this plane of existence that the people who love us will be better off or they will miss us when we are gone. Thereby giving our spirit the attention we desire. This pension to self harm is not one to take lightly. images (17)

Suicide is NEVER an answer….. Self Mutilation is never an answer….. Doing harm to YOU is not going to cause people to care. If anything imagine the hurt and anger you will be leaving behind. Suicide hurts everyone not just you. If you are having thoughts of doing harm to yourself please seek immediate help. Because it is so devastating for all involved this is the absolute WORST attention seeking ploy you can ever imagine. Everyone has heard the story of the boy who cried wolf. We know about how he cried wolf so many times that eventually no one believed him and when the wolf was actually there he was left to defend his sheep himself. Well it can be the same with pretending to be suicidal.

images (20)There is something deeper than just seeking attention and depression if you are one of the select few that believes that this type of antic is OK. It is not. This is your LIFE that you are playing with and that is NOT cool! To subject family and friends to the roller coaster of emotions: fear, anger, despair, disappointment, guilt, to name a few , is a selfish act that will never go over well. Of course if someone loves you or is a basic human being they will respond to your threats to do self harm. However if this becomes a regular occurrence then the normal response from people will not be to continue to get as upset. They will eventually start to resent the game they assume is being played. They will no longer recognize the as a cry for help and see it as a cry for attention and choose to ignore it. I understand the hurt that you may be feeling now. I can empathize with your desperation but I can not condone the way some of us are choosing to express it. artworks-000065758379-pwwqfp-original

It is well documented that most people who continually threaten suicide aren’t very serious.  Those serious about it  will almost always do it without giving even a hint of their intentions. Sometimes they may give a hint but it is so subtle that people not looking for them, will not necessarily notice until it is too late.
Suicide is always a tragic end to any life and it would be arrogant of us to believe that we can actually stop someone who is serious about doing it. That doesn’t mean don’t intervene, it simply means we shouldn’t blame ourselves if they successfully complete the act. I truly believe that not one caring family member, friend or even co-worker  wouldn’t try to stop someone who has threatened to kill themselves.  We all will go to great lengths to help someone who is  apparently suicidal.This is the reason most narcissistic people use this threat.
images (16)Its better to be safe than sorry. Don’t assume that a person that is coming to you for help is doing so for attention and pay attention  to the not so dramatic signs, from those that may actually be planning to follow through on their proposed plans. It is scary to be placed in that position I know and most of us get nervous about what to say or do. The main thing those of us helping need to understand is that this matter is not ours to own. We can not save a person that doesn’t want to be saved. For the person looking to get attention or is truly thinking of death as a solution it is not the answer. Again I ask that everyone please seek and get help from a professional. Don’t wait until you feel trapped or desperate. You are NOT alone. If you want to talk please contact a friend or contact me if need be. We can get through this together….. You don’t need to seek attention because we all notice you.

“Keep Knocking”

The following is a poem by a good friend of mine. A strong woman by the name of Tracy Smalls. She is someone that  is so exuberant and walks her truth on a daily basis. I loved reading her book and the message that she tried to convey to anyone who would listen. Her poetry is her story and her life. I hope you enjoy it and if you are interested she also has a book entitiled “You’re Not Alone” a collection of poems. Her website is http://www.TracyNSmalls.com

KEEP KNOCKING…   By Tracy Smallsimages (7)

I don’t know where to start, but

I do know I want to change.

I’ve been living this life for

All so long, Mamma, yeah!

She was there for me, but it came to a

Point in my life when I had to

Fly and find out what life is really about.

I had some ups and downs.

At age 12, I had to do only what I knew to do.

As a child, Mamma put me out.

Yeah I would not live up to her rules and

So she did what she did and I went astray.

Daddy, who’s that? And what

Does that mean to a young black man who

Only knew the streets and what they had to offer?

Daddy, yeah! I got one,

Because along with my Mamma and God’s

Supernatural power,

I was born, a young black man who

Was left out in the cold to defend himself.

Daddy, who’s that? Someone I never knew.

I really don’t even know his whole name.

Not once have I even laid eyes on this man who is

Supposed to be my father. No one to teach me

What it means to be a young black man in this

World. No one to set the stage for me and show

Me how to be the head,

The man I really desire to be.

But I still try to maintain. Get money was all I knew.

As a young boy just trying to make it at the age of 12.

Disappointment, heartaches, pain is all

I have gotten these 14 years being in the game.

Even evidence to remind me of the struggling I have been going through.

But Dear God, you said to KNOCK.images (11)

I’ve been getting weary and frustrated.

Do you hear me Dear God?

I need you. I want a new me, a new being,

For I have been doing this for all too long.

I’m just a young black man trying to maintain and

Be SOMEBODY.

So Dear Lord, while I continue to KNOCK,

Please answer my knock and release your

Power into my life so I may be all that you

Have called me to be, which is so much more

Than I am now.

I am a KING, I am a WARRIOR, so

Dear Lord, Hear my knock,

Help me to not give up. I need you in my life.

FAITH, I don’t know if I have it anymore.

Belief that things will change or get any better,

I often wonder, but I must continue toimages (8)

KNOCK,

KNOCK,

KNOCK,

For surely you will open the door for me…..

 

Losing Yourself In Him…

download (1)I talk to a lot of women and men daily and several people come to me because they feel lost in their relationship. They don’t feel as if they have a place or a role. They feel saddened or empty and they don’t know why. I understand that feeling because I was at that point not too long ago. Like myself there are several of us that get love confused and in the name of love we tend to lose sight of the person in the mirror. We become so wrapped up in the wants and desires of another that we fail to see them for the person that they are. We lose the ability to see ourselves completely and seek only to please. Does that mean that we are desperate? images (1)Not really but we are craving emotion and companionship so badly that we have become obsessive over it. Its not desperation that drives us to be the proverbial appendage to the men and women in our lives but the obsessed desire that we have for something more.

The fear of being alone. The desire for security in family. The need to belong. Those are all factors in why I chose to give myself over to my man. It’s true as well that I  did not want to be lonely. I wasn’t desperate. In truth I could have been with a number of guys but I chose him. And more importantly to me he chose me. He wanted to be with me. It wasn’t until I had hit rock bottom that I realized that my life was no longer my own. All of the things that I had hoped and aspired for were no longer a part of my world. I was so worried about not being alone that I failed to see that I already was. My relationship was a one sided affair that I was the only one giving. I realized in that moment that it wasn’t him that was my problem…. It was ME. I willingly gave ME away. I walked away from myself because of the way that I saw love.images (2) I assumed that the fantasy that I saw on television or in the media would one day be mine if I just held on. I had this romanticized view of love that was as fictional as any writer could conjure. I saw love as this fantasy that is nothing short of the old Harlequin romance novels I used to read as a teen. I like so many other women had such a mixed up view of love that I did not see the signs that my love was not like that nor would it ever be.images (3)

Women and men get bamboozled daily by  images of what we see is a perfect love in the media. We see it and crave it. Sadly most of us do not even think about the caliber of the person that we fall in love with we just want that kind of love.
Some of us try to buy that affection by giving financially or sexually. We assume that if we give enough then the person that we desire will eventually love us to the same degree that we do them. We give and give until eventually there is nothing of us left. Then we find ourselves really alone and wondering how or what happened. We did all the right things right? We were good to the other person so why did they leave? What about if the other person is not exactly the man or woman that we desire right now? We can change them right? Once they realize how wonderful we are they will have no choice but to change to keep from losing us right?WRONG!download (2)

Trying to change another person is like beating your head against a brick wall in the hopes that it will move. Sure the wall may crack over time but it will never fall unless there are other factors involved. The only thing you will do is end up with permanent damage to your brain and skull. You in essence are hurting yourself. We can not change another person. They have to change themselves and if you are constantly giving and giving them everything that they want why would they need to? If a guy for instance can still get his girl to buy him everything he desires and still treat him like a king, why would be need to stop being a butt to her? Why would he be faithful if she has constantly turned a blind eye in the past? Imagine a woman that is forever using a guy for his money or the things that he can give her, why would she try to suddenly be this adoring wife if because she is beautiful and he loves her, she can do what she wants and he says or does nothing? If every conversation that you have revolves around what the other person wants then you are creating a scenario where you are the pawn on your own chessboard.

downloadLove is funny. To love someone is to open the door to a thousand levels of pain at times but no matter the cost we should always retain control. Don’t lose sight of you. Don’t devalue yourself until you are nothing more than an asset and not companion to the man or woman in your life. You don’t have to buy affection. Money will only buy you a fake love. Sex is NOT emotion. It is not a fair trade for feelings. That is just the chemical reactions between two bodies. Just because it feels good doesn’t mean its love. Don’t fool yourself into comparing your love to the simulated ones we see in the media or in the lives of friends and families. Before you can love someone else you must first learn to love yourself. Once you do that. You will start to see the things that you do not want or will put up with. You will see your boundaries and gain respect from potential mates. To be with the stronger more confident you they will understand that there are two choices they can either CHOOSE to change themselves or leave you in peace.images (6)

Domestic Violence and Teens…. It’s Not That Bad? Or Is It?

download (1)What does Domestic Violence mean to you? I recently had a talk that completely unnerved me. I was talking to a group of young adults about the dangers of  domestic abuse and asked them what they felt was toxic behavior.  The majority of these kids ages 15-25 stated that they did not think fighting  with their girlfriend or boyfriend was abusive. ‘ Abuse is when somebody ends up in the hospital’, “It’s not as bad as all that. I mean people fight. If he hits me I’m going to hit him back. “; ” If a girl loves me enough to stalk me that’s funny.”; ” I don’t see a problem”;  “If somebody jumps in my face I’m not going to just stand there.” These were all responses but not one person mentioned walking away. Not one person understood how bad DV really is. They were truly desensitized to the violence.  They didn’t see a problem.download (2)

When did our youth become so blinded by this warped idea of love? How did they become so deluded into thinking that self-preservation was not as needed if you loved someone? How bad and how far does this go? Domestic abuse is a caustic wound that will only get worse, not better, over time. It is not something that will just simply phase its way out of existence. Turn on the TV any day of the week, and you will find some show on there where men and women are either fighting or they are emotionally battering each other. The only time it seems to generate any amount of reaction from the general public (especially our youth) is if the survivor/victim is a celebrity.images (8) That’s where things become a little weird for me because I would assume as a man or woman, you would be more concerned with the world outside your own door instead of those that you may never have the opportunity to meet or touch.

images (12)We all know bad or ridiculous behavior is glamorized by the media so much so that it is nearly ingrained in our culture. We know that most of our younger generations are more greatly influenced by this type of negativity more than ever.images (5) They are the generation of this new age of desensitization. But will it be the death of them? Culturally Americans of all races are becoming more angry. They are not as full of love and understanding as the youth of yesterday. They are not bad, only they lack the ability to empathize with others. They lack the ability to feel for themselves. It’s scary because it is true.  What is also scary is that we are all guilty of that lack of feeling and empathy. Every time we turn on the TV and tune into violent programming or turn a blind eye to what we know is destructive behavior we are guilty. I started thinking and I could not come up with a solution because I am not that brilliant or have the credentials to even try. I did however come up with a few things that we need desperately to promote. Below are a few things that we can bring awareness to:

  • Domestic violence, also known as domestic abusespousal abusebatteringfamily violencedating abuse, and intimate partner violence(IPV), is a pattern of behavior which involves the abuse by one partner against another in an intimate relationship such as marriagecohabitation, dating or within the family.download (4) Domestic violence can take many forms, including physical aggression or assault (hitting, kicking, biting, shoving, restraining, slapping, throwing objects, battery), or threats thereof; sexual abusecontrolling or domineeringintimidationstalking; passive/covert abuse (e.g., neglect); and economic deprivation. This was taken directly from Wikipedia and notice that it talks about STALKING.  Any type of behavior where you have to follow or chase down your significant other is NOT love. That is STALKING! Going to someone’s job, place of business or school with the sole purpose of being seen and threatening is not love.
  • images (9)OBSESSION IS NOT LOVE!!! Love can make you do some crazy things but those things should not be dangerous or ridiculous, meaning love can make you build the Taj Mahal but it should not make you lose yourself in the process. Loving someone is making them a part of you life not your whole life. You still need to be you. You still need to have a strong sense of self-preservation.
  • LOVE DOES NOT HURT! I wish I could shout this from the top of the highest mountain. LOVE does not hurt. Emotional abuse is truly one of the most lasting kinds of torment. Being worn down in the name of love is not actually love. Someone using your emotions to establish control over you is not love and neither is having someone treating you as if you are not worth the dirt on the ground.
  • A SMACK IS A SMACK. A punch is a punch… A shove is a shove. Anytime that a person puts their hands on you or you put yours on them it is not OK. It doesn’t matter if you only did it because you were caught up in anger. That is an excuse. The extreme is when a person has to involve the police or be placed in the hospital. If you keep telling yourself that it is not that bad, how will you know what extreme is?images (10)
  • Domestic violence transcends generations and gender. If our youth, our children, our family and friends don’t see the occasional fight or emotionally battery around them as that bad now, how bad does it have to get before they do? Is the next phase going to be a rash of teenagers being killed by their boyfriends or girlfriends? This behavior is learned and it can be unlearned.

images (6)There are a ton of other points that we need to emphasize to the world around us but those are the ones pressing on my heart. I implore everyone to please talk to your kids today, not tomorrow. Talk to them about how they see domestic abuse. Find out what their threshold for bad really is before they get so wrapped up in their views that they begin to lose themselves. Talk to your daughters about the dangers of confusing love with obsession and possession. Talk to your sons about the dangers of assuming that just because he is a male , that does not mean he can not also be abused. DV is not just against women and it doesn’t always involve a fist. We need to open our eyes NOW to the dangers of this growing problem. We need action against it in the worst way. Here is a link to the National Domestic Violence hotline. If you need help, get it now. Contact them immediately and get safe. You are not alone. You are stronger than you think. http://www.thehotline.org/

 

Life + Lemons = Chocolate Cake

images (3)Life can truly throw several lemons your way, that is a fact and to be expected. the way that you choose to see each lemon in your path determines whether or not it is a bad thing. You really are so much more than your problems. When life throws you lemons make chocolate cake.images It doesn’t matter if you have everything that you desire at this moment  in time. It doesn’t matter whether or not you are at the top of your game what does matter is that you are taking the time to look at the flour, eggs and milk that life has also placed in your path. In other words not everything in life is bad or meant to be a defeat. Sometimes those lemons that we think are meant to tear us down are actually redirections into something better. You have to be the one to see that.

images (4)Don’t blind yourself with despair before you count all of your blessings. Even if you are not a religious person, know that there is a reason for everything that happens. Once again thinking in terms of basic science. Cause and effect. There is no action without reaction… Saying that train your reactions, so that you can choose to see the total picture and not just the sad parts. It will not be easy but it does get better over time. We look at things like the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, our fear of being alone, our inadequacies and anything negative that we see or feel around us we use as proof that life really does suck. We don’t see the things that life has also brought us.

Using cake as an example: all of your good days are your sugar, your best days are the chocolate, the days in between are your flour. Think about it. Can you count the number of days that you live? Can you count the moments, that you are happy?  No it’s nearly impossible right? Just as impossible as it is to count grains of salt, flour or sugar. We have so many of those days and moments that they can not be measured. No one said they had to be big or huge moments. They may be as small as a thought that made you smile or a smell that made you feel good.images (2) All of those things happen all of the time but go unnoticed in the face of the big bad Lemon. We don’t see that if we so choose to we can make a giant glass of lemonade or if you are really feeling good maybe drink a shot of tequila with those lemons.

gazelleEveryone always says that we only life once but that is actually not true at all. we live every single day. We wake up each morning with a new beginning. A new future. We can not relive the past. We can not change yesterday so instead of worrying about that moment, try being open to the future. No one can ever say that life is going to be a bed of roses and easy. That is untrue since not every moment is guaranteed. But also you are not guaranteed to live beyond the next five minutes so why worry about that which you can not control. Life HAPPENS. Change the way that you view the issues you face. Redirections may seem scary and upsetting but they might be leading you into a greater tomorrow. Sure you might have to travel through the muck and pain of life in order to get where you need to be but you survive it. You are stronger because of it. You are not broken. You may be dinged and beat up but you are not broken.

My redirection cost me dearly. I felt lost and unsure on a lot of things. I began to doubt who I was and what I was meant to do. Only through stepping back and looking at the real me without the sting of my pride and the lies of my fears,  am I able to say that now, I welcome the lemons in my life. They are not fun. They are not something I will seek out, but I am not afraid because I have survived each and every one of them. SO CAN YOU. So fire up the oven and let’s start baking the cake that is our glorious lives. images (1)

P.S. I gained seven pounds writing this post , lol.

Don’t Throw You Away….

2014-03-10-15-29-14--216826980Trashy vs Classy, do you know the difference? Over the course of three years I researched the attitudes of men and women and the way we look at and see each other. It’s no secret the way that the media decides the popular woman or man. Meaning we base the way we dress, act and conduct ourselves primarily on what we see. The way that a lot of us see our personalities is not so much influenced  by our own individuality but by the lastest fad or trend of the moment.  When you turn on the television if every woman on there is dressed in six inch stilettos and a skirt up the rump nine times out of ten, if you look outside the window you will see nearly every third woman trying to mimic the look. There is nothing new there right? This has been going on since forever.

What happens though when the ‘hot woman’ or the popular image that is being pushed is not exactly the most wholesome? Or what if she is too goody two shoes?

What if the woman of the moment is loud and  brash? What if the new woman is a little raunchy? What if she is not truly ‘YOU’? TRASHY in my opinion is really not all about the clothes you might wear. tumblr_lp7aouAm8R1r0h8q0o1_500In fact I could care less about what you wear so long as you wear the clothing meant for your personality.  The worst kind of trashiness to me  is the loss of who you are. The total disregard of self in favor of assimilation.  In my opinion,  That’s what we do each day when we knowingly refuse to be individuals.  It’s trashy because it is as if we are willingly throwing away the person in the mirror. We just want to fit in. But in the process we lose the image of the woman/man in the mirror. This is where the trashiness begins to show outwardly.

 

be-a-leaderThrowing you away is doing yourself the most grevious disservice there is. You were born to stand out. You were born to shine, don’t worry about whether you fit into a certain mold you’re YOU.  Stop trying to fit an image that belongs to someone else.  Be your own CLASS ACT. You are so much better than an imagined competition with a fictitious person. What I mean by that is using Beyoncé as an example, I see her bouncing aroundand wearing skimpy clothes that have men going nuts…. I am not Beyonce but here I am trying to squeeze my size ten self into an outfit meant for her.images Sure guys will still look but they might not have the same reaction.  They might look at me and assume I am trying too hard or think that since I’m not an entertainer I’m might be judged on how I appear. The question I have then is why did I feel the need to be like Beyonce?  Her image is not mine and we dont travel in the same circles so the idea that she and I are competitors is ludicrous. So why am I trying so hard?

2014-03-10-15-29-30--2081377712The issue of sexuality and the hypersexed society that we live in makes it extremely hard for the individual to not be tempted to go for the  shock factor just tobe nnoticed. This should be all the reason you need to try harder to be an individual.  Be classy. Open yourself up to the glamorous you. Throw out the image of the popular woman and look in the mirror at the sexy you. Throw out the illfitting clothes and scrape off the two tons of make up. You’re perfect without it. Your clothes are an extension of you. They cant show the real you if you copied it from a magazine.  Imagine what life would be like if everyone was truly unique. If you walked outside and the world instantly recognized you. Be classy enough to think of yourself as your own celebrity model. Your life is  your runway and the world is your stage. Trashy vs Classy basically fake vs real. Accepting the person in the mirror enough to let the world see you is the sexiest form of self love. No outside influence necessary.

I’m A Good Person…. I Think?

untitledBe who you are and not who your not. In life we all seek to find out who we really are, but how can we truly embrace that new person if we don’t first know who we are NOT. Meaning I can say I am a good person but how will I know that if I don’t know what bad means. I may claim to be a strong woman, but how can I say that if I am still pretending to be someone I saw on TV or on the street. I can say I am a lot of things but who I am really is defined by my character. My character tells me I am a woman to be respected. My character says that I am good. My character says that I am worthy of me.be-you

Know your character. Not your reputation. Think of it like this in politics even the most crooked politicians can have a good reputation. Your reputation can be fueled by lies and stories that we tell or are told about us but that does not prove or disprove who we really are. If you were to objectively view the person in the mirror, would you like him/her or would you be instantly filled with distaste. Not because you may not be satisfied with the physical appearance but lets say you look at yourself as a person. As a man or woman, as a human being. Do you like what you see or do you see a person that needs to change? Everyone should be able to look at themselves at some point in life and say that they love the person staring back at them. We should all be so fortunate to look at who we are and to see exactly the person we want to be. We should see who we desire to be and not who we pretend or don’t want to be.

imagesSome of us have a fear of becoming our parents. We look at the person in the mirror and see all of the things about mom or dad that used to drive us nuts as kids only to find out that we are the same now years later. Mom may have been a worrier and constantly nagging or dad may have been aloof to all things. Either way we sometimes pick up those habits and then surprise ourselves when we start to do what they do. What about if the person you are on the outside is not a direct reflection of anyone that you know? What if the real you is being hidden under layers upon layers of false personas that you have picked up over the years? What if you have forgotten who you really are? How do you even know if the layers aren’t more than just window dressing but a real part of you?
Ask yourself ” Who am I really?” This question can not be answered by anyone but you. The answer to who you are can not be given to you by a therapist, friend or relative. You have to eventually find out the person in the mirror yourself. In order to do that stop looking outside of the mirror for ideas and start looking internally.angry mirror
Know what you desire to find before you go looking. If you desire to be a ‘good’ person and seek that in your image find out if you really are good.