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Have you ever felt like you were lost inside of yourself? As if the pain of life has beaten you down so badly that you shut down and just want to retreat inside of your shell? Maybe life has thrown so many curve balls your way that you don’t have a clue on how to deal with each of them. You’re overwhelmed. You’re exhausted… You may not be able to stop crying inside….. Some of us after so much decide once again to simply give up and throw in the towel. We just feel like there is no sense in fighting a losing battle. We start to see ourselves as losers. We start thinking that others do the same… We think we are weak and not worth the dirt on the bottom of our own shoes. This feeling of being lost can be caused by a few things, some you can change. The first step is trying to find out the root of your pain.
I know its tough and I ask a lot of people to look inside themselves. I ask that we all look at the person in the mirror with unclouded eyes. This is one of those times. Are we the cause of our own lost feelings? Meaning are the choices we make contributing to the hurt that is coursing through our hearts and minds. I was listening to a radio show that posed the question if a woman has had five serious relationships and in all of them the man was unfaithful, does this mean that maybe there is something wrong with that woman herself? I thought about it and I think there may not be anything wrong with the woman but the choices she makes may not be beneficial to her. True the men may choose to cheat but she also chose the men in her life. Looking for the pattern in her world lets surmise that she is going for the same type of man all the time. Let’s further assume that the men she seeks are very much ladies’ men and have a history of being unfaithful in the past. Maybe not with her but with his exes. She goes out with this guy and falls for him but he has made no move to change his ways, yet she assumes she can change him. That deadly assumption is the leading catalyst for her setting herself up for possible failure.
We can not change a person simply because we love them. It is impossible to do. That person has to want to change. The only thing we can do is be ACCOUNTABLE to ourselves and the choices we make. Like in the example above evaluate the people you choose to interact with. Don’t just assume that because things don’t work out it is someone else s fault. If you are feeling lost because of a consistent or sudden loss of love, look for true reasons why that love failed but don’t internalize the pain. Go through that grieving phase as you are meant to and then try to learn from it. Being afraid of pain is fine but hiding from it only makes the fear grow that much stronger. What about it your pain comes from your bleeding heart? Let’s say you the people closest to you have done something so horrible that it hurts you to your core….. How do you handle that type of pain? What if there is no escape in sight? What if you have no way of escaping the torment you feel?
Let’s be real we are all eventually going to be hurt by someone we love. We are all going to have that moment where the person/s we love may do something to us that really shakes our foundation. We may not know where to go afterwards. These are the people that we let our guards down around. We allow them into that special place in our hearts and when they do something to make you question it you start to rethink yourself. To doubt that feeling . Most of us internalize the pain. That’s when we start seeing ourselves as losers. We don’t understand why the person that we consider to be the best thing since sliced bread can be so callous. So human. Personally I have never been one to share my thoughts or feelings. I used to hide my true self away from the world. One thing that used to shut me down and in some cases still does, is if the person I am talking to is preoccupied, I really dislike it when I am pouring my heart out and that person is either texting or playing around online. I can’t stand it when someone cuts me off and starts talking about themselves or others . I hated not being listened to, so my response at first was to go quiet. But that silence only served to make my life a nightmare. I would cry myself to sleep and pine for a friend that would actually listen to me and pay attention. I wasn’t expecting them to solve my problems but to be the same type of friend that I am to them.
I looked through and found the root of my pain was I wanted a true friend. I felt lost because I did not have a person to hold me when I was upset because I was too busy holding someone else through their tears. Whats your root? Identify what makes you feel lost. Everyone is different and that is OK. Your feelings are valid. You feel the way you do and that is fine. An old friend of mine years ago used to force me to share. He would redirect me every time after listening to him talk about his world for hours, he expected me to do the same. When I did not have him to talk to I made the decision to seek counseling. The main thing is to release the pain you are feeling. Get rid of it in any way possible. If that feeling of being LOST has no defined reason nor a foreseeable end, try doing what I did and talk to a doctor. Don’t try to self diagnose and immediately assume that it is just depression. It can be, but it can also be a bit more than you can handle. Get healthy. Find yourself again. Evaluate why you do what you do. Be accountable for the decisions you make and don’t be afraid to reach out. Even though you might feel lost you are never alone. (((HUGS)))
Walking a mile in my shoes is not easy, just as walking in yours may not be a walk in the park for me. I am human. I make mistakes but you know the good part of that is ‘ I can make mistakes’. I can be human . I can be normal just like you. Anyone that has ever read my blogs or my book will see that I am really not superwoman. What I am is not perfect but it’s real to the way I view me.
I was curious about the people around me. The friends and family that I see daily. I wanted to know how they think. How do they feel? Are they human like myself? Are they selfish and single-minded or are they full of hope and love ? For the most part most the majority of the people I know are good people. Some you might need to dig underneath two tons of crap but eventually if you are patient you might find something good there. Sometimes I am amused by the reactions I get when my humanity shines through. Its upsetting the way that people assume that I should be as tough as boot leather. Why? Is it because, when I write it appears like I have myself together? Or could it be easier to assume that I feel nothing? What’s painful for me is when people who see my humanity and ignore the words or message I share because I am not perfect. Sure I’m not a doctor, teacher, or wizard but don’t ignore my words completely because I’m human enough to not hide it.
As I looked at this I started pulling myself from the situation and looking at things objectively. For a lot of people who are considered strong, we are type cast into this character whose role we don’t know the script for. Just as there are those that see us as strong there are also those that see is and after comparing us to an image they already have in their minds, look down their noses in derision at us. As if their lives, themselves is so perfect that they are somehow super humans. They see humanity as weakness instead of natural.It’s natural to want to be loved and to have love. It’s natural to be sad. It’s natural to want to change and get frustrated when change is impossible. It is also natural to want to have someone there to share in your successes. It’s also natural to feel hurt when someone you care about doesn’t show you the same consideration.
I had a discussion with a friend about humans and nature. We talked about how the brutality of one human to another is unheard of in the animal kingdom. This led me to think that there has to be a conscious effort by man to be as callous and cold-hearted that we can be sometimes.
I kept thinking of this and it drew me even further into the simplicity of most religions. As I thought of my humanity I realized that animals are the most spiritually pure of all creatures. They don’t have hatred, or indifference. Survival of the fittest in the animal kingdom is based on true species survival and not trying to outdo the other. I started thinking in the absence of hate there is love. Not an emotional love but a spiritual one. One that compels me to care about others.
In nature we are all animals. Now I began a different level in my journey. I began to truly see positive and not negative. I chose to portray that spiritual love of my animal brethren. I choose to love everyone. I may not like you. I may really dislike you as a person but I refuse hatred. I choose to love you in spite of you. Does that make me better than anyone? Of course not! It’s a personal travel that I Choose to adhere to. In your journey think of how you see yourself. Look at the reflections of yourself in the people around you. If you feel out-of-place maybe its time to reevaluate your life. If you despise a person to the point where they consume your thoughts its time to look long and hard at who is suffering because if their anger. Be human not perfect. You may be type cast but you can break the mold of your life one crack at a time.
This post is a humorous one for all of you singles on this day for lovers. Hopefully your day will be full of chocolate, fun and excitement as you watch dozens of friends and relatives trying to outdo the other in the expressions of love.
Married Valentines should say : “Of course I love you dear, who else will put up with my gas in the middle of the night.” ” Here honey, I thought you might like this new waffle iron.” Thanks for not killing me in my sleep honeybunch.” ” No dear, I said those pants make you look fab not fat honest!” “Dear husband today is the one day out of the year you get to have the most desired thing ever…. Here is the remote control….”
For singles we may feel like we are losing out but what we have is totally different. We get to be the third wheel at the table while our besties are sucking face and telling each other how much the other loves them more. While others are getting engaged, we get to sit back and imagine them ten years in the future with a house full of kids while we are on the beach drinking margaritas. Sure that night when we are home alone we cry ourselves to sleep, but the thought of the 50% chocolate that is going to be coming soon we are able to have sweet diabetic dreams.
Valentine’s day is a day of love but shouldn’t that be everyday?…. No need to worry about whether or not you received two dozen roses after all OutKast said they smell like boo boo anyway. 🙂 You are just as special as that woman getting the diamonds. Just duct tape a rock to your finger and tell everyone its a four carat quartz from Tanzania. Whatever you do today be happy. It could be worse you could be the one stuck treating the patients that confused the exlax with the dark chocolate box of goodies.
More… In life we all want more of something, so it should not be a stretch to admit to wanting more out of your own life…. To wanting more out of your relationship… To wanting more out of your job or even family. That desire for more can be your catalyst to do More. Unfortunately some of us get so bogged down by insecurity and doubt that we don’t think we can have or deserve it. We sell ourselves short constantly by settling for something that is only satisfying for the moment. In other words instead of ordering a steak dinner we buy a bag of chips and walk away hungry. One of the prime areas that we are all guilty of doing this is in our relationships. Most of us operate under the guise of compromise. We just try to get along. We remain silent because its better to agree than risk it all by speaking out.
Compromise is good if the situation is mutually beneficial to all parties involved. It is not good if you are compromising and the person left out is the main person that has to deal with your choice. YOU. We have all been guilty of sacrificing ourself for another. That is a noble gesture but at what point is your sacrifice too much for YOU. In abusive relationships, compromise is one of the biggest justification for staying in a bad situation. We tell ourselves that the ‘Devil we know, is better than the one we don’t’. We make excuses for why he/she did what they did. We change the way that we act, think or dress in an attempt to try to please our abusers. We make concessions on things that used to bring us joy, sometimes to the point of giving everything up. Why? Is this our compromise?
Some of us have internal arguments with ourselves and tell ourselves lies, like ‘We will never find another person to love us’; ‘I am too hard to deal with, no other man or woman will put up with me.’ ; ‘I deserve what is happening because I messed up.’ The subject of worth came to me after my last post. I could not stop thinking about the way that some women and men don’t place enough value in themselves. They don’t take offense to the things that they should because they have LEARNED to desensitize themselves to their own plight. Walking in our journey through life it is Extremely important to have a healthy dose of personal indignation. Get mad. Get angry. Recognize and voice the things that you really do NOT want to compromise on. The same way that you would stand up for yourself to a person hurting you in the street carry that same sense of self-preservation at home. Start saying NO! Fight back mentally. Reclaim your control.
Demand MORE! You deserve to be treated with the same measure of respect that you give others. You deserve to have a voice in things that affect you. You deserve to be given the chance to say NO to the things that you choose. You deserve to not be emotionally battered. You deserve to NOT be physically harmed. It does not matter what you think you have to atone for in the past. No one deserves to be treated horribly. You deserve to be happy. Your past is your PAST! You can’t relive it. Even if it is something that you feel that you should be ashamed of, try hard to stop. Forgive yourself and try to continue to move forward. Your past then can not be used as a battering ram by someone trying to make you feel bad. Who cares if you used to work at a strip club, it was a job. It doesn’t affect your character. Who cares if you have a long line of bad relationships, that may simply mean that you haven’t found yourself yet and have made some poor choices. As you grow, you have to make a conscious decision to break the hold of the past.
Demand More from yourself! Stop allowing yourself to give in to that false sense of comfort. If you were truly comfortable and happy you wouldn’t be pining for MORE. That empty feeling in the pit of your stomach. That hole that needs to be filled but you don’t know with what. That desire to have better. That knowledge that this is not really what you want. Listen to it. Get angry. You don’t have to stay in that abusive relationship. You can find someone new. Stop making excuses. Even if you have never been physically abused, emotional abuse is just as horrid. The ‘Devil you know ‘, can truly be a demon if you don’t do something to change it. the first step is valuing yourself enough to know that you deserve more. Excuses and false compromises need to become a thing of the past. Be accountable to yourself. Understand that it won’t be easy and the way may not always seem clear but it is worth it. You are worth more than you give yourself credit for. You are a diamond in disguise. A gem in a room full of stones where you will remain until you start recognizing your own shine. You deserve MORE… Claim it.
How does your love feel?… Love can be bittersweet. It can be painful, and can make you want to completely lose it sometimes but it should not hurt. This post is not one about the romantic kind of love but the kind of love that is really not love at all. Obsession, delusion, emotional and physical abuse , psychotic behavior & mental warfare.…all of these things several of us confuse with an excess of emotion. That is far from the truth. Love can make you compose a poem or a song declaring your feelings. That is the normal kind of love. Love does NOT mean stalking a person that has chosen to end a relationship. It does not mean tearing down another being. Love is NOT about possession but is freely given. To say that you love another means that you will want to do everything in your power to make sure that the person you love is cherished above all others. It means that you have made a mutual commitment to each other for however long fate decides. Every single person alive on this earth, wants to have that soul mate to share their world with. They want to have that person there that will be there through all of the successes, and hold out a hand when we fall. This month more than ever that feeling is intensified. Being February the first thing on every woman’s mind is Feb 14th…Valentine’s day. The one day every year everyone is supposed to have a mate beside them declaring expressions of love and romance. By the time Feb 7th rolls around most of us are feeling a little anxious and may overlook that which we need to pay close attention to.We start forgiving behavior that should not be forgiven because we don’t want to be alone. Some of this bad behavior can be deadly. And not just a physical death but a spiritual one as well.
Love is not a valid reason for staying where you are. It is not a reason but it is an excuse. Abuse kills the soul. Understand I have been where a lot of women are and it was not a fun time in my life. I understand the fear of being alone because I felt it. I understand how it feels to want to place so little value in self that we try to rationalize the trauma we face because we assume we can’t do better. Or maybe we are so IN LOVE with the person in our lives that we blind ourselves to the fact that they don’t feel the same. We allow them to treat us like we are worthless because our OBSESSION for them will settle for anything so long as we have them beside us. I am NOT a fan of reality shows however a friend of mine was talking about a show where one of the contestants had two women with whom he stated he did NOT love either of them but he had love FOR them. He then admitted that he was not going to change his womanizing ways so both women should deal with it. He added to his live in girlfriend that he would NEVER be serious about her since she used to be a stripper. …. I have several problems with this, one because it is truly a common occurrence for women. One that doesn’t cause many to bat an eye. I even saw a little of myself in that situation. My love was extremely good-looking and everything I had dreamed of in a man but he was also NOT a good one. He wasn’t a DOG but he wasn’t the man for me. That didn’t stop me from trying to hold onto him though. Even after he tried to push me away I wouldn’t go. I was like the girl on that show. I was disillusioning myself.
The other thing that really bugged me aside from seeing myself was that neither woman seemed to be upset. Even when he stated that because she was a former stripper, that somehow made her less than worthy to be taken seriously, his girlfriend did not react. What could keep both of these women tied to this man? Surely that is not LOVE. It was far from it. It is Not OK to allow yourself to be treated the way they are allowing themselves to be treated. It is NOT OK to keep being someone’s emotional punching bag. That brings me to the most dangerous LOVE of all the one that causes a person to forget all about self-preservation. LOVE does NOT HIT. Everyday there is a new story on IDtv’s ‘SNAPPED‘. Every day there is a post uploaded to Facebook, Twitter or Instagram that shows men and women fighting. The fights are being filmed by people as if they are funny or cute and it is disturbing on so many levels…. When did we become so desensitized to violence against women in particular that grown men can stand by and watch another man beating his wife? When did we as women start to feel that it is ok to be hit? When did some of us become so warped to it that we as women, feel that to challenge a man is to be strong? Why are we using our fists more and more in the name of LOVE? What has changed in our lives that violence is seen as so normal that we would rather watch and film before we will intervene with a man literally throwing a woman around the room and slamming her to the ground until she passed out? I saw this in a video on a friend’s Facebook wall and I read the responses of outrage from different people but the audio from the film were of people edging on the fight and laughing. One guy restrained another female that was going to assist the fallen woman. Everyone in the video looked to be in the mid 20s or younger. Is this what our youth are now doing? Dear Lord, what can we do to change it? My first thought when I saw that atrocity was ” Help her God.” I prayed that she was not seriously injured by the attack and that it taught her a lesson about the man she was with and her friends. Sadly I honestly believed it did not. More than likely she is went back with him a few hours later after things settled down some.
We have young men and women becoming stalkers because they are confusing it with love. They are not seeing their behavior as wrong because honestly they are almost emulating exactly what they see on the television. Love is about trust and honesty not possession. I can love you because I trust you . If I trust you I can let you be the person that you are. I don’t need to keep constant tabs on you. I don’t need to smother you. I don’t need to have you as my mouse in a trap. I trust that you love me enough to do right by me. You should be able to trust me the same. I love you enough to not make you do what you do not want to do. LOVE IS NOT ABUSIVE. But ABUSE can fool you into thinking it is LOVE. Obsession is not healthy. Physical and emotional abuse is like an addictive drug. It is just as caustic as crack. It kills your hope for the future. Don’t keep allowing yourself to be a doormat. It is not ok for anyone male or female to lay hands on you. IT IS NOT OK TO WATCH! It is not OK to simply turn a blind eye. You never know when the next person on film may be someone you know. Maybe your mother, sister, cousin or friend. Instead of simply watching the videos that these cretins post online report them. Start reporting each and every person that you see in them. We need to stop allowing garbage like that video to be seen so freely. Think about your own love…. How does it feel? If you are in a situation like where I was, a one-sided love affair because you are afraid to lose what you already Don’t have, think long and hard about maybe walking away. If your Love is like crack and has you doing things that are dangerous to your health and future, it may not be a true representation of love but your own obsessions clouding your judgement. If your love HITS, then regardless if it is real or not please think of self-preservation first. ‘Til death do us part ‘ is meant to be after a long relationship where we grow old together. It does not mean death tomorrow because we beat each other to death.
The National Domestic violence has a website you can use for help 24hours a day if needed. http://www.thehotline.org/ 1-800-799-7233. Don’t wait too long to save your life.
Every day that you draw breath you have a chance to change the present. Sometimes the best way to see the path ahead of you is to simply stand still. Stand in that moment. Be perfectly at ease. Be quiet…. Be empty… Simply STOP…. Our minds can be our greatest asset as well as our greatest foe. It is wonderful when we use our intelligence as a strength and solve problems in our lives. It is terrible when that same mind gets clouded by regret, insecurities, anger, hatred, fear of the loss of control and the thoughts of all of those unworthy of our time, taking up residence. It is not an easy task to completely clear your mind. If you were to try right now in this moment, you might succeed but it will not be a lasting clearness. The bliss you felt in that moment of peace is fleeting because even though you felt it, you were still going. You did not STOP. For years I kept barreling through life unable and unwilling to stop. I knew that there had to be a better way, but I could not see the way due to all of my own hang ups. Eventually I got tired of simply existing and decided to do something different. I STOPPED. To truly Stop means going beyond all emotion and changing your life. It is a constant process of living and walking your own personal truth while at the same time doing it without any of the negative influences that previously hindered you. It means to truly LIVE.
Cleanse your heart… STOP holding on to pain and misery that is not yours to carry. The anger that you feel, or the hurt that you give credence to needs to be placed back at the feet of the person or persons that caused it. Hate is a strong emotion that is truly toxic to your inner presence. It seems wild to hear someone say ‘love your enemies‘ but it is a true point. Irony is knowing that the person you hate, or are angry at may have completely forgotten about the situation. They have more than likely, gone on with their lives regardless of your pain. They can do this because they are not carrying it around with them like a fifty pound weight. A friend of mine was recently upset with a person that had done him wrong, so much so that he was losing sleep and venting daily. The object of his wrath however, was literally walking around like the world was full of possibilities and life. As I explained to him, his restless behavior, guilt and the anger he was feeling were valid, but the fact that he was allowing that negative energy to control him, was the thing that needed to be STOPPED. He was angry about a situation that he could not change, handle or predict. Sure there was some accountability to be had, but the bulk of the matter was one in which he never had any control. Furthermore the person that caused the upset is the culprit. Seek a closure of the mind. Forgive what you must & forget what you can. Learn from the situation and let it go. The greatest revenge is to live happily.
Cleanse your mind… STOP thinking. Think of that deep meditative moment where your mind is completely void of all things and hold onto that for a moment. In the midst of your trial, when you can’t think of a solution… when the world seems to be crashing down around you, simply STOP…. BREATHE….REGROUP. Stand still in your silent mind and simply be…. Hold that emptiness until you start to feel your body relaxing and releasing. You are in control yet you aren’t. You are full, yet you are empty. You are at peace. Now in that peaceful calm, look at the problems through clearer eyes. You may not find an instant solution but you are no longer anxious that you won’t. One great disservice we all do to ourselves is the self-flagellation over shoulda, woulda, coulda moments. You know those incessant narratives we have in our minds about how we ‘Should have done this’; ‘So and so would have done it this way’ & ‘If only I could have done more’…. The past can’t be relieved yet we fret over it as if somehow it will change the outcome. Whatever happened even if it is painful and lasting, it is still in the past. The greatest pain from trauma can really only be felt once, after that its is all a matter of how you react to it that will determine your future. As your body heals pain recedes. Using this logic if you are holding onto past feelings and thoughts then you are reopening your own wounds. Instead file the memory away in your memory scrapbook. It won’t be forgotten but it will have a chance to grow quiet.
Giving into negativity is like dying a slow death. In a world where we have no control over a lot of things, this is one of the few that we have supremacy. We each have the power to choose how we react to things. We choose how we deal with situations… We choose how to handle the stress of a problem. We have control because we can choose to not be NEGATIVE. You can choose to let go of all the things that you know in your infinite wisdom that you can not control. You can not control the actions of others. So why worry about them. You cannot control the weather, so be as prepared as possible. You can not predict the future so stop worrying about it. Choose to live each day in the present. Prepare for what you can but with the open mindset that even the best laid plans may not always work. Things change. Learn to be flexible. Your world can be as big or as small as you can imagine it to be. Walking your truth, you should already have an idea of what and who you are. Listen to that inner voice that is telling you everything will work out. Heed those words and speak life into your heart. Your destiny is your own canvas. Take a moment to view the model that is self. STOP, BREATHE & REGROUP whenever needed until that canvas has become the masterpiece that is the true you.