A dear friend of mine was talking about being tired of being tired and I realized I was tired too. It’s the holiday season so quite naturally there is a ton of stress surrounding each of us. We might be aggravated with the hustle and bustle of late shoppers, the arrogance of loved ones, the insensitivity of others or just the desire to be done with this holiday all together. As I was sitting down I started to find myself drifting off into those depressing thoughts of what if. What if I had done things differently? What if I had chosen to stay and work on my marriage? What if I am destined to constantly struggle? What if my mother takes a turn for the worse? I started worrying about my sons and how they were doing. I worried about my family, as much as I would like to see and be around them right now my fragile calm will not allow it. I worried about my car. I worried about whether or not my book would sell or if people would think it was a piece of drivel and desire to burn it. Tears threatened to fall as for the life of me I could not think of anything but all of my troubles and worries.
Years ago I was diagnosed with depression after a devastating loss. I almost did not recover from that time in my life. Anti-depressants did not help me and had me feeling like I was a zombie so against doctors orders I decided to wean myself off of them. I began to work at making ME happy. No drugs, I chose to be positive. I am a pretty private person and although I am quick to listen and try to solve the problems of others I had a bad habit of hiding my own. I assumed that no one wanted to hear about my issues. And to be honest not a lot of people care. Most people look at me and see a rock they can lean on. Today I was a petal trying not to be crushed. One of the things that not many people know about me is my silly personality and that I love to laugh. They also do not know that I love foreign movies with subtitles and twisted plots. the strangest thing about me is that when I am down like I was today I almost always end up turning on the TV and watching cartoons. There is something about watching looney tunes that soothes my tired mind.
Eventually after laughing at the antics of bugs bunny or daffy duck I am able to work through all of the anxiety that was wrecking my calm. My tears are still there but they no longer threaten to fall. My sons are still on my mind but I am not worried about them. My former marriage is a thing of the past and I don’t care to repeat those days. My book was tough and it is published now and no amount of worrying about misspelled words missed in the final edit will change that. Either people will like it or they will throw it in the trash. At least they read it. My mother’s health is not controlled by me so worrying over it will only make me ill. My car…. Well that is up to God to work on. My family will never change until they decide to. I accept that. I love them but extended stays are not an option. The holidays are just another day. If I don’t get to everything now I can always do things in time. I know some of you are going through a similar moments of weakness. I am not ashamed of mine.
These past few months have not been easy for me to deal with. Even though I had my moment of being overwhelmed I did something completely out of character. I leaned on my friend. I allowed myself to finally be weak and let down my guard. I expected her and her husband to shut down like others had in the past, at my blatant display of emotion but surprisingly they didn’t. I knew that I was not alone because I still had me. I am comfortable with that. Finally I admitted to myself that this time my issue was too great for me to deal with. I admitted I needed someone. I reached out. This time I was able to simply be the friend and not the problem solver. They did not do anything but talk to me and make me laugh. They were my bugs bunny. They were my looney tunes. Even Hercules needed a friend. I am no different. The holidays can drive us all nuts but they really are just another day. The sun will still rise tomorrow. Don’t worry about what you can’t handle. Break down each problem into segments and deal with only what you can effectively change. Choose your battles and choose your battle buddy.
- my depression (beingaprincessiseasy.wordpress.com)
- Dealing With Your Depression And Anxiety In The Commercial World (jariustuesdale576hgira615.wordpress.com)
- D is for Depression (letterstokathryn.wordpress.com)
- I want to get better! (fighting4happiness.wordpress.com)