Who Are You NOT?

fearlessBe who you are and not who your not. In life we all seek to find out who we really are, but how can we truly embrace that new person if we don’t first know who we are NOT. Meaning I can say I am a good person but how will I know that if I don’t know what bad means. I may claim to be a strong woman, but how can I say that if I am still pretending to be someone I saw on TV or on the street. I can say I am a lot of things but who I am really is defined by my character. My character tells me I am a woman to be respected. My character says that I am good. My character says that I am worthy of me.

Know your character. Not your reputation. Think of it like this in politics even the most crooked politicians can have a good reputation. Your reputation can be fueled by lies and stories that we tell or are told about us but that does not prove or disprove who we really are. If you we to objectively view the person in the mirror would you like him/her or would you be instantly filled with distaste. Not because you may not be satisfied with the physical appearance , but lets say you look at yourself as a person. As a man or woman, as a human being. Do you like what you see or do you see a person that needs to change? Everyone should be able to look at themselves at some point in life and say that they love the person staring back at them. We should all be so fortunate to look at who we are and to see exactly the person we want to be. We should see who we desire to be and not who we pretend or don’t want to be.45874

Some of us have a fear of becoming our parents. We look at the person in the mirror and see all of the things about mom or dad that used to drive us nuts as kids only to find out that we are the same now years later. Mom may have been a worrier and constantly nagging or dad may have been aloof to all things. Either way we sometimes pick up those habits and then surprise ourselves when we start to do what they do. What about if the person you are on the outside is not a direct reflection of anyone that you know? What if the real you is being hidden under layers upon layers of false personas that you have picked up over the years? What if you have forgotten who you really are? How do you even know if the layers aren’t more than just window dressing but a real part of you?

  • Ask yourself ” Who am I really?” This question can not be answered by anyone but you. The answer to who you are can not be given to you by a therapist, friend or relative. You have to eventually find out the person in the mirror yourself. In order to do that stop looking outside of the mirror for ideas and start looking internally.
  • Know what you desire to find before you go looking. If you desire to be a ‘good’ person and seek that in your image find out if you really are good. Good doesn’t just mean going to church on Sunday and giving to the goodwill twice a year. Good is not a trophy to be won. If you are a good person you don’t need to prove it in words. It will show in your deeds. In your heart and actions. You won’t have to claim to be good people will see it.
  • Know what you do NOT want to be. For a lot of women this is the biggest thing that they can not seem to grasp. Most know who they want to be but they do not know who they are not. They allow what they want to dictate who they are at that moment in time. We see this so many times in women that try to emulate the sexy divas or the promiscuous women of the world that they assume men covet. They look at that woman as the competition and seek to be just like her since it can gain what they ultimately want. A desired man or relationship. The biggest drawback to this is that some of us don’t know when to turn it off. We are in a constant state of imitation and in some cases have forgotten who the person in the mirror really was.

936728_626420147400385_1821835602_nToo many of us do not recognize that it is OK to be an individual. Pretending to be an image that you see is not being you. Looking at yourself and hating the life you lead because you are not getting the desired effects is not the way to go. Once again looking at women for a lot of us that portray an image we claim to be sexually free and adventurous and yet be secretly desire to be the wife or mother at home. We know what we want but how do we get that. In order to get more choices a lot of us look at the men around us and use sex as a way to get attention. We might assume that by being the sex goddess that only women assume is the desired by men,  that man that we have fallen in love with will look beyond the physical and recognize the woman underneath. News flash! He may not ever notice that because you are not portraying that image to him. Pretending to be ‘community property’ is the worse disservice a woman can ever do to herself. You do not have to be Clair Huxtable or Carol Brady but you can be the woman that you are. Don’t hide behind your body. It can only carry you so far. Mentally, emotionally and psychologically  find out who you really are and what you truly desire to be. Portray that. Know what you want. Know what you don’t want. Be individual enough to accept that what you desire may be outside of others but that doesn’t mean it is wrong only that it is YOUR path. Think singular and not in terms of what you see or hear. Think about only the things that the person in the mirror is truly comfortable with in the light of day, completely naked of all layers. Be you. Be true to you. You are who you are and that is OK.download (37)

Build Your Memory Scrapbook

womanaA lot of us are thinking of the new year and reflecting on this past one. Well the time is now to start making plans to not just reflect but start moving past it.  In 2013 there is nothing that happened good or bad that we can change. There is nothing that we can relive. We can only learn from our mistakes and revel in our accomplishments but we can not dwell in that time. If things did not happen the way that you wanted them too then that is fine. 2014 is a new beginning. It is a time that you have never lived and each day can only be done Once. Meaning that even if today is bad and yesterday was a wash then tomorrow could very well be amazing. The past few days I took a break from writing on the blog because I needed to get my head together and find out what I wanted to say in 2014. I wanted to evaluate myself and the things that I have done. I looked at my life and this past year. I have had several ups and downs, highs and lows, but the one constant is that I am still here. I still have tomorrow to look forward to. I still have a future even if it is not promised to me it is still there.124618482

I am alive just as you are. The holiday was a tough time for a lot of us and we may have each had moments where we felt bad or reflected on the life that we lead. In this economic time we may not have been able to get as many gifts under the tree as last year. With the new year approaching most of us are in panic mode trying to get something right or to correct problems so that we do not carry them into the future year. We make unrealistic expectations or resolutions that we know in our hearts we are not going to keep beyond January 31. The past year may have been full of painful memories that still haunt your dreams. It may be full of memories of past mistakes you made. It may be a filled with heartache from lost love or loved ones. Whatever it is that keeps you awake at night or permeates your thoughts so much that you resolve to not take it into 2014 start letting it go one by one. Its time to make a memory scrapbook. A place where all of your pain and worry can be filed away, not forgotten but placed on a shelf where it should be.

  • You can’t relive the past. Sure you made mistakes. You made some bad choices, who hasn’t. Forgive yourself and file that pain away in your memory scrapbook. Beating yourself up over each and every thing that you might have done is not going to resolve just because the year has changed.
  • Remember love instead of focusing on loss. Are you still grieving the loss of a loved one? What about the death of a romance or relationship? Everyone has a grieving period. It is your choice how long that time is. Don’t try to rush feelings out the door because it is a new year approaching. Grieve if you need to. Get angry. Be sad… Do whatever you need to do to grow past the pain until all that is left is the memory of love.
  • Look at self critically and with acceptance. Don’t go into 2014 with a poor image. Meaning just because you need to lose a few pounds or you did not finish this year at the peak you assume you should that you start thinking you failed. You didn’t fail. You simply did not reach your goal at the time. Set realistic expectations. If it is weight loss you want then start with small goals and keep upping the ante each time you meet the goals. Instead of resolving to be the goddess/god you assume you need to be simply be the ever-changing you that you are.

article-0-0331B4B60000044D-56_233x452Resolutions are rarely met because we truly set ourselves up for failure. We say things or make promises to ourselves that we can not possibly keep yet we do it anyway. We say things like: “Next Year I am not going to be hurt by anyone again.” or  “Next year  I am going to lose 300lbs before May.” We can not control tomorrow and yet set goals as if we can. What we can control is ourselves. We can throw out the resolution and live the solution. We can be the changed person that we are every day and not just because we see the new year as a defining moment. Each day is a new beginning not just the changing of the year. You are not governed by time since that is the one thing that no one can guarantee. Be positive. Smile. Tomorrow, next month, next year or even the next ten years will always seem the same until you decide to change the person in the mirror. Be at peace today and try to do the same each day that you are given after. Live day by day in the now. Make goals but be honest and be a friend to yourself. Be real. You can do any and everything that you desire is you pace yourself and don’t get discouraged. Don’t disappoint yourself by being overzealous and then losing interest or hope. You have the control over you. Your destiny is yours. Your life is yours. Your time is yours. Be positive for you in all things. field


Tired of Being Tired… Reach Out to Friends

IMG_36745732543618A dear friend of mine was talking about being tired of being tired  and I realized I was tired too. It’s the holiday season so quite naturally there is a ton of stress surrounding each of us. We might be aggravated with the hustle and bustle of late shoppers, the arrogance of loved ones, the insensitivity of others or just the desire to be done with this holiday all together. As I was sitting down I started to find myself drifting off into those depressing thoughts of what if. What if I had done things differently? What if I had chosen to stay and work on my marriage? What if I am destined to constantly struggle?  What if my mother takes a turn for the worse? I started worrying about my sons and how they were doing. I worried about my family, as much as I would like to see and be around them right now my fragile calm will not allow it.  I worried about my car. I worried about whether or not my book would sell or if people would think it was a piece of drivel and desire to burn it. Tears threatened to fall as for the life of me I could not think of anything but all of my troubles and worries.

Years ago I was diagnosed with depression after a devastating loss. I almost did not recover from that time in my life. Anti-depressants did not help me and had me feeling like I was a zombie so against doctors orders I decided to wean myself off of them. I began to work at making ME happy. No drugs, I chose to be positive. I am a pretty private person and although I am quick to listen and try to solve the problems of others I had a bad habit of hiding my own. I assumed that no one wanted to hear about my issues. And to be honest not a lot of people care. Most people look at me and see a rock they can lean on. Today I was a petal trying not to be crushed. One of the things that not many people know about me is my silly personality and that I love to laugh. They also do not know that I love foreign movies with subtitles and twisted plots. the strangest thing about me is that when I am down like I was today I almost always end up turning on the TV and watching cartoons. There is something about watching looney tunes that soothes my tired mind.ef0f4983e8c2080007ca44a230125f97

Eventually after laughing at the antics of bugs bunny or daffy duck I am able to work through all of the anxiety that was wrecking my calm. My tears are still there but they no longer threaten to fall. My sons are still on my mind but I am not worried about them. My former marriage is a thing of the past and I don’t care to repeat those days. My book was tough and it is published now and no amount of worrying about misspelled words missed in the final edit will change that.  Either people will like it or they will throw it in the trash.  At least they read it. My mother’s health is not controlled by me so worrying over it will only make me ill. My car…. Well that is up to God to work on. My family will never change until they decide to. I accept that. I love them but extended stays are not an option. The holidays are just another day. If I don’t get to everything now I can always do things in time. I know some of you are going through a similar moments of weakness. I am not ashamed of mine.

friends-huggingThese past few months have not been easy for me to deal with. Even though I had my moment of being overwhelmed I did something completely out of character. I leaned on my friend. I allowed myself to finally be weak and let down my guard. I expected her and her husband to shut down like others had in the past, at my blatant display of emotion but surprisingly they didn’t. I knew that I was not alone because I still had me. I am comfortable with that. Finally I admitted to myself that this time my issue was too great for me to deal with. I admitted I needed someone. I reached out. This time I was able to simply be the friend and not the problem solver. They did not do anything but talk to me and make me laugh. They were my bugs bunny. They were my looney tunes. Even Hercules needed a friend. I am no different. The holidays can drive us all nuts but they really are just another day. The sun will still rise tomorrow. Don’t worry about what you can’t handle. Break down each problem into segments and deal with only what you can effectively change. Choose your battles and choose your battle buddy. 

Realizing a dream

IMG_30411878539723 Have you ever wanted to do something but never had the courage to do it? What if you had something to say? … Something so strong it permeated your mind and thoughts, yet to do what yu wanted and feared might mean that you could set yourself up for disappointment? Your voice is a powerful tool. Use it or lose it. You deserve to be heard, even if no one agrees with you. You still reserve the right to speak. I have always felt this way. I always felt I had a voice and I felt compelled to use it. I may not be perfect or right but at least I believed in something enough to press on. I believed in me. Two years ago I started writing a book on the evolution of women. Basically it is not a true scientific study because I am not a science but it is a people study.

I started thinking of my journey to being me and remembered how hard the search for my true self really was. It made me want to share it. I started talking to different women around me and even my untrained eyes began to see trends in the way that we all saw life and ourselves. I started branching out and talking to more and more women until I was sure of what I saw. Then I began to talk with men. The differences in the way that men saw women and the way we saw ourselves was astounding and disheartening. I was devastated at first because a lot of the questions I asked and the attitudes I discussed I had been guilty of myself. I wasn’t immune to the answers. I was hearing first hand, how I as a woman was being perceived.

So my journey as a novelist began in earnest. I interviewed hundreds of men and women alike. With permission I quoted a lot of the conversations and answers to the questions and even as a written word the emotion behind each statement can still be felt. I came up with the idea of holding myself accountable. I hope that more people will learn to  do the same. I realized it was not a matter of how men saw me but how I saw me. It wasn’t how women saw me but how I saw me. I am accountable to the choices I make good or bad. I am not perfect and I may fall on my rump at times but I pick up me. I am Powerful. Like you my voice is like the roar of a mighty lion. I was not silenced and neither should you be. Use your voice or lose it. There is a true self inside of us all. We need to find and embrace him/her.

945301_641432422553567_1363090327_nFor those of you interested in purchasing my book it is available now: The book for those who don’t know is about the changes in women over the course of the past 50 years. Some of the content was taken from you guys and is kind of hard to read at times. If you are searching for your true Identity and seek to find acceptance of the true you please read and share. Thank you all for your support. https://www.createspace.com/4578538


Are We Going Blind?…

6A young woman is falling to her knees in frustration because she needs help and has no one to turn to… Do you see her? Or are you blind like the rest of us? Its the holiday season and its the one time of the year that everyone seems to open their eyes to the pain of others. Or do we?… We seem to think that being kind to the homeless and destitute on Christmas for instance, will make up for the entire 364 days where we ignored that they existed. We look at the physical neediness of our fellow men and women but we don’t really care about the mental well being of them. After all they should be grateful that we offered a hand right? Do we really care about their struggle? Would we be as fazed by their plight on June 25 vs Dec 25? Imagine being trapped in a bubble of insecurity, sadness, and despair. 4No one noticing your pain because it does not show outwardly. True you may not be living in  a shelter but a mental prison is just as disheartening.  Use the same logic and questions and think about the person in the mirror.You may not be financially in trouble, but you could be emotionally in need. You want to shout but there is no one there to hear you. Especially among  all of the glitz of the celebrations and festivity. How can you be sad, if you have gotten everything on your list?That feeling is what tons of depressed men, women and teens feel daily. 

download (36)You have it all yet you are unseen. No one sees you standing there. No one notices you sitting quietly in the corner. No one cares. Everyone is Blind … But wait I see you. I hear you crying. I see you reaching out and I offer you my hand. Despite the beliefs of the masses, for a lot of us depression is not as bad during the holidays because we have family surrounding us. Or we have people pretending to care. Even studies have concluded that “Contrary to popular belief, depression and suicide rates do not rise around holidays. The media often inaccurately reports such a link, and also tends to blame suicides during the holiday season on depression or anxiety directly related to the holidays. However, studies have shown that people tend to be less likely to commit suicide during the holiday season, perhaps because of an increase in available emotional support.”

This means that something so simple as noticing a person is enough at times to help them get through the day. We may not solve all of their problems but for the moment let someone know, they are not alone. You see them. You hear them? You love them.ornemants Reach out to someone this week and next. Make it your own personal mission to seek out and try to notice someone. Instead of being blind  or wearing tinted glasses, look around you with a clear heart. Be positive. Look in the mirror and see the real you. Not the Christmas you, but the you from 365 throughout the year…. Be a light for yourself. Be a shining beacon of happy for your reflection. Shine so brightly that everyone around you can’t help but see you and know that you see them. Don’t just give from your pocket… Give from your heart. Your acceptance and love is the true reason for the season. Even if you are alone during the holidays it is still cause for celebration. You are amazing company. Maybe this day is good time to simply prop up your feet and pamper yourself.


Don’t get so caught up in seeing others that you forget you. You are just as valuable as your husband, wives, or children. Don’t neglect you trying to make this one day of the year so perfect for another. You are sublime. You are seen. You are the star in your own story. You are truly beautiful. I am proud to call you friend.


I Feel Like DANCING! Smile Today is YOUR Day!

savion-gloverEver had that feeling where you simply want to forget all of your problems in a festive sweaty celebration of life? Just waking up and deciding that today is the day You are  going to be a rock star?… Look in the mirror and tell yourself, I am going to be completely carefree. I am going to dance until my knees hurt, my back is on fire and I start feeling like Savion Glover used my body as a stage for a tap solo. Even through all the pain we still relish the fun of freedom. We all need those days. So why not today. Why don’t for  24 hours we simply be the woman or man that we are made to be. No pretenses, no anger, no sadness, no worry…. Let’s simply choose to BE HAPPY. Letting go of yourself for a day is not easy for a lot of us but it can be done if we really try it. Lets first just think calm thoughts. Try meditation. Empty your mind of all things except for the positive. Dress as festive as you want. I am wearing bright colors today. I couldn’t find anything truly bright so I am putting on neon socks underneath my clothes. 🙂

lauPut on your best outfit of all. Your smile. Staple a smile to your face today. No matter if you have deadlines at work or simply family that make moving to a cabin far in the woods seem like bliss, just put all that aside until tomorrow. Today is not a holiday but it is MY holiday. It is MY day. I am not just the serious, sometimes balanced person most assume I am. Today I am the silly, uncoordinated and goofy woman who I really am. Let’s break out the funky clothes and the jokes on FB. Let’s see how many hints I can throw out about shoes and gifts for Christmas. 🙂 The kids are going to have gourmet ham sandwiches for dinner (meaning they can actually make them themselves). It’s YOUR day too so whatever you choose do it with a smile and or a devilish grin.

Only listen to the music you like. Turn on the radio or break out the mp 3 player with the 80’s music and the entire Duran Duran album collection. Its time to get Groovy baby. 😉 don’t even think about watching the news. Instead turn on looney tunes and let Bugs bunny and Daffy Duck be the only dramatic story you hear. Your only worry should be what happens if Wile E Coyote (Super Genius) actually catches the roadrunner and finds out that the bird is actually only a mouthful. He might be better off eating the cactus and lizards. hahahhhahhahha

lolololYour day is upon you. Your weekend is upon you. This is Friday the 13th so whether or not you want to watch scary movies all night and crack up laughing at how the killer Jason always seemed to find his victims within moments, even if they have jumped in the car and driven to the most remote areas and sealed themselves in a vault.He never got his heart rate up because he Never ran. He must have the blood pressure of a god. Anyway if you want to watch movies indoors or go out to the neighborhood bar and after a few drinks remind your friends how much you really do look like an electrified chicken when you dance, have fun tonight. You only live once after all so let’s take a break from being serious you and simply be the carefree person that you want. download (35)